London - When it comes to other people’s marriages, the only thing any of us can ever be sure of is that they are never quite what they seem. So it shouldn’t be a surprise to learn that Margaret and Denis Thatcher’s marriage was rather more complicated than it appeared.
Denis was always portrayed as the ideal consort for a female politician. Far from resenting his wife’s incredible success, he gave her unstinting support and shrewd advice - while cultivating the image of a man for whom nothing mattered more than a round of golf and his next G&T.
Yet it turns out he found it much more difficult than he made it appear. According to Lady Thatcher’s official biography, published On Tuesday, Denis found the early years of his wife’s political career so destabilising that in the mid-Sixties he contemplated divorce.
Fifty years ago, the political husband was an almost unknown concept. Today, by contrast, there are so many that some have formed an unofficial support group, meeting twice a year for a curry at a Westminster Indian restaurant.
But although the numbers have changed, the difficulties they face have not.
On Thursday, BBC2 is screening the first episode of The Politician’s Husband, in which a political couple, played by Emily Watson and David Tennant, find their marriage comes under unbearable strain when their roles are switched. He loses his front-bench position, while she is catapulted into the Cabinet. He copes badly, partly by becoming aggressive in bed, in a desperate bid to prove his masculinity.
Written by Paula Milne (who wrote the brilliant The Politician’s Wife 18 years ago), The Politician’s Husband was partly inspired, she says, by her belief that her own career success contributed to the end of her first marriage.
When Paula married for a second time, it was to a prosperous surgeon. Nevertheless, when she won a lucrative contract which meant she could afford to pay off their mortgage, he did not find it a celebratory moment.
Do all couples hit problems if the wife becomes more successful? Not all - but many. Certainly, I know of only two marriages that have survived a wife’s stellar career (and earning capacity).
In one case, the husband has coped by becoming an obsessive triathlete, thus proving to himself and to the outside world that he’s still a real man. In the other, the husband has taught himself to be a superb cook, whose dishes are much admired at his wife’s power dinners. There’s nothing surprising about this. The need to strive and achieve is inbuilt into most men’s DNA - after all, from an early age boys learn that they will one day be expected to be providers.
According to The XX Factor, a new book by Professor Alison Wolf, only around 15 percent of women want to put work before family - so women like Mrs Thatcher will always be in the minority.
The majority of mothers either don’t want to work while their children are small, or prefer to do so on a part-time basis so that they can spend more time with them. But if they’re to stand any chance of having more time at home, they need a man who earns enough to provide for his family.
Is it any wonder, then, that men raised to shoulder this burden should feel utterly destabilised when a wife becomes more successful in her career?
Wisely, Mrs Thatcher - like the Queen, who defers to Prince Philip on all matters domestic - made sure her husband felt empowered in the home, if not in public. It used to be said that behind every great man is an even greater woman. The subtext was that the woman was at home, tending to the domestic chores and acting as her husband’s chief cheerleader.
That’s seldom the case now. As mothers, we encourage our daughters to study hard and forge their own high-flying careers - and who knows, one of them could even become our second female prime minister.
If so, she’ll need always to be sensitive to her husband’s feelings. And she’ll need to understand that behind every great woman, there’s often a slightly aggrieved, under-appreciated man. - Daily Mail