Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been married for six years and together for 10. He was a creative director with a good income when we got engaged, but once we got married we decided he would work on finishing his movie script. He hasn't worked since and the script has little chance of ever making money.
I was diagnosed with infertility five years ago and we have not had success with treatment or private adoption. I have my master's degree and a good job. But with one income, and living in a high cost area, we are always struggling and can't even afford health insurance.
I love my husband, he understands me and encourages me to be creative, fun, inspired, and authentic. I married him because he is fearless in his artistry and living with him makes me feel as if everything is ahead of us.
However, I have considered leaving him for all the obvious reasons: his having no real work ethic and my feeling used.
Recently things were terrible at work because of a merger, and I was coming home crying. To my shock my husband suggested he put the script away, we move out of state to be near his family where the cost of living is lower, he find a job, and we could adopt. I was thrilled!
We started looking, and I have been offered a good job with fewer hours, great benefits, but significantly less pay. He hasn't found anything although he's not looking hard. Then things calmed down at my current job and I may have an opportunity for exciting advancement. I have to accept or deny the job offer very soon and I don't know what to do.
An Anchor or a Beautiful Balloon?
Dear Anchor,
I think anchor and balloon are too limited a dichotomy to describe your husband. I see him as a pair of cement shoes, and if you stay with him, you will eventually drown in your tears.
Thank you for this important corrective to the notion that all those with a passion should chuck the dull 9 to 5 and follow their muse.
We read stories of people who sell their novel for a million bucks, or turn a cupcake recipe into an empire. Of course, it doesn't make sense to write a profile of the guy whose been noodling over a script for more than half a decade and is a hopeless leech.
If your husband had a story in him, he would have gotten up early, stayed up late, and spent weekends writing it, while still employed. A goal of five pages a week would have produced a script in less than a year. It's notable that upon marrying you, and locking in your income, he took to the couch with the remote and hasn't been motivated since.
You say he's a fearless artist; I say he's made an art of being a bum. You now have an opportunity at your current job you can't pass up - and it had better come with good health insurance and more money. You're going to need the cash because when you file for divorce, you'll have to settle up with your husband.
You say he makes you feel everything is still ahead of you. If you stay with him, I can promise that what's ahead is more wasted years like those already behind.
Prudie
* Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist, using the name Prudence. Please send your questions for publication to [email protected]. Questions may be edited.
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