Fighting fair the key to wedded bliss

'Women may go into marriage with a very strong idea of what a good wife should be and look like, but she often can't live up to her own expectations, because of the pressures of a professional and home life.'

'Women may go into marriage with a very strong idea of what a good wife should be and look like, but she often can't live up to her own expectations, because of the pressures of a professional and home life.'

Published Sep 7, 2015

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Pretoria - Emotional intelligence is the oxygen that feeds a marriage, and couples need it if their union is to survive and thrive.

With National Marriage week (from September 1 to 7) in mind, we approached experts at the Vista clinic in Centurion to find out what keeps a good marriage alive, and what is likely to tear one apart.

A lack of emotional intelligence is the root of many problems within marriages, believes Vista therapy group facilitator and co-ordinator Yolanda Lindeque.

“Emotional intelligence is the ability to cope with the changes that inevitably face one in life, and which – if anticipated – can be dealt with properly,” she explains.

If not, these changes can cause problems in relationships and the family and can cause stress and lead to mental illness.

 

Conflict will arise in any relationship and couples’ failure to understand what is happening – or how to deal with it – leads to problems.

Among the challenges couples may face relate to different culture, language, background, religion, money and health, for example.

 

Vista psychiatrist Dr Jerrie Bezuidenhout said another issue was the unrealistic expectation of a perfect partner. The concept of the “perfect” husband or the “perfect wife” puts undue pressure on a marriage, because it is impossible to live up to a role created by someone else and a partner will fail to be what they are expected to be.

“Women may go into marriage with a strong idea of what a good wife should be and look like, but she often can’t live up to her own expectations, because of the pressures of a professional and home life.

 

“We find people have unrealistic expectations of each other, and when they realise that things are actually different the marriage may break down,” he said.

“Before a couple marries, they are in love and everything is wonderful. They never take structural dynamics into consideration, nor do they put enough thought into their new environment, or the new structure of their lives.

“They think having been in a long-term loving relationship prepares them enough for marriage… They don’t talk about who’s going to empty the bin, who will wash the dishes or make the bed,” she said.

“But then life changes, and when they find themselves in these situations, they don’t have the means to communicate.”

If one fails to resolve conflict when it occurs, even simple and normal aspects of marriage become difficult to navigate.

 

Bezuidenhout explained that in a marriage between people of different backgrounds, there are additional challenges.

We are shaped by our experience growing up, and influenced by our own families and how they managed conflict.

When traditional and cultural expectations take centre stage couples struggle to cope, something that can be addressed during pre-marital emotional intelligence sessions, he said.

“You don’t want to take the differences away, you want to make them aware of them and help them manage them,” said Bezuidenhout.

Emotional intelligence workshops for people getting married were launched by Vista last year, and, they said, have gained a fair amount of attention from the community. During a two-hour session couples discuss ways to express their needs effectively and ensure collaborative growth.

 

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