‘Husband’s taken me for granted for years’

In the film Shirley Valentine, Pauline Collins plays a housewife whose family pays her so little attention she frequently talks to her kitchen walls in order to keep a conversation going. When a friend wins a trip for two to Greece, Shirley uncharacteristically puts herself first and accepts her invitation to join her.

In the film Shirley Valentine, Pauline Collins plays a housewife whose family pays her so little attention she frequently talks to her kitchen walls in order to keep a conversation going. When a friend wins a trip for two to Greece, Shirley uncharacteristically puts herself first and accepts her invitation to join her.

Published Jul 21, 2013

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QUESTION: I’ve been married for 30 years and have four brilliant children, all out of the house. Married life was never easy for me, because my husband was always domineering about everything and I always gave in for a quiet life. Now, I regret I was so quiet all those years ago. I feel my husband has no respect for me and has no thanks for anything I do. Everything is taken for granted.

He has never once picked up the phone to contact any of our family. I do all the contacting and if not for me there wouldn’t be any form of communication. He has a good job and to his co-workers he appears great fun and often meets up with them for drinks. He would never SMS me to say he was out late – just comes and goes. As he is the main earner, I depend on him financially.

Every week I have to ask him for grocery money, he never willingly hands it over to me. I get the bare amount.

He doesn’t do anything much around the house, except cut the grass. Our house badly needs a makeover, but he is hopeless to sort it out. Occasionally I’ve got workmen to do odd jobs and my husband didn’t speak to me for days and then I had the hassle of getting money to pay them.

The children all know life isn’t easy with him, but none of us ever hassled him, always preferring not to rock the boat more than necessary. Right now I’m at my wits’ end. I’ve a decent qualification, but no luck as yet in employment. My job ended five years ago.

When I confront him (not too often) everything runs smoothly for a week and it’s heaven. Then, all of a sudden, he’s back to square one. Sex life would be wonderful if I was loved and respected. At the moment, I know he masturbates every night and it sickens my stomach.

I’ve often thought you could class him as a street angel, house devil. I’m a quieter personality, have great friends and family. I’ve sisters-in-law who are demanding and domineering and their husbands adore them and would do anything for them.

Any advice would be welcome. I’d love to change – is it too little, too late?

 

ANSWER: No, it is never too late to change providing you want it badly enough and it seems to me that you do. There is no point in regretting what has happened up until now because it is in the past, but the future is in your own hands. Right now is an ideal time for change, because it is just you and your husband at home so you won’t have to worry that you will be upsetting your children when you start to initiate change.

You have been bullied, and the most effective way to treat a bully is to stand up to them, and they will then find somebody else to bully. Bear in mind that you had some success in the past because when you stood up to him he gave in.

Unfortunately, he went back to his old ways – probably because he found that he could.

So I would suggest that you prepare what you are going to say to him and then ask for some time to have a talk with him. Explain that you are unhappy with things as they are, and in particular the whole money issue, and ask that he treat you with more respect and consideration. Tell him how it feels when he doles out the money each week. It is a very good idea to start a sentence with “I feel” or “I think” because that is not blaming him in any way and therefore should not lead to a disagreement.

So if you are saying to him that you feel demeaned and resentful when you have to ask for money each week that is getting your message across without accusing him of anything.

And perhaps he genuinely has no idea how you feel.

You might suggest that he pays the money via a stop order if you have a separate bank account, if not then in an envelope on the same day each week in a specified place in the house.

Common politeness means that we inform people we are living with when we are going to be home late. As he has been ignoring you in this regard, then this also will have to change. Ask that in future he at least SMSes you if he is going to be late. Once again using “I feel” can be used to avoid confrontation. For instance, “I feel very much taken for granted, and would appreciate it if you SMSed me when you know you are going to be late” would let him know that you are unhappy without apportioning blame.

I have no doubt at all that if you told him of your belief that your sex life would be wonderful if you felt loved and respected, and you were able to tell him how this could be achieved, you would immediately see an improvement in your relationship.

This is something that he would surely see would be of benefit to both of you and I am sure he would much prefer it to the masturbation.

I felt sad when I read your letter because you haven’t had much of a life with this man. Of course, you have the joy that your children brought to you, but I get no sense of an equal partnership in your relationship. So now you need to be strong and after you have the talk with him you will need to keep reminding him about your needs.

Any change is difficult, and so it will be difficult for you both to begin with. However, he will respect you more in the long run when he sees that you are putting yourself first for a change. And you certainly deserve to have a better life than the one you are living at the moment. – Irish Independent

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