QUESTION: My husband and I have always allowed each other space to pursue different interests and social lives. This worked well until the other night when I got drunk with two friends at a party and kissed a stranger. I felt awful the next day and am unsure how to deal with the situation.
One friend says I should tell my husband and that he’ll understand, the other says a drunken kiss doesn’t count and not to mention it. Who’s right?
ANSWER: A drunken kiss may not “count” to the person who’s just embraced a stranger in an alcoholic fog. However, their partner may think it signifies a great deal. Just ask yourself how you would feel if your husband came home and said he’d had a tipsy embrace with a girl in a bar.
It’s not nothing, is it? You would probably feel furious, mistrustful, jealous and confused. A misplaced kiss may not carry the same gravity as adulterous sex, but it’s still wounding.
What your behaviour flags up is the danger of leading separate social lives. I understand that it doesn’t suit every couple to be joined at the hip. But the point about allowing each other space to pursue separate interests is that trust is involved - and when you break that trust the arrangement can fall apart.
If one idle kiss doesn’t mean anything, there’s scant reason not to grab another. I can’t help wondering if your determined pursuit of different agendas has led to you feeling like a singleton when you’re out.
If you are never part of a couple when socialising, it can become harder to behave like you’re in a committed relationship. You seem to be spending your time hanging out with female friends in pre-marital mode, so it’s small wonder that you’ve slid into behaving like a teenager.
And generally there are consequences. Someone will have seen your drunken embrace, which means there’s a chance gossip will reach your husband’s circle. Are his mates going to say: “That doesn’t count, it was just harmless fun!”?
There are times when ignorance is bliss, but that works only when there’s a good chance the ignorant person won’t become painfully enlightened. When that’s the case, any delays in coming clean will just seem insulting. The policy of keeping schtum is often more effective when it comes to full-blown sexual flings.
Why so? Because spouses tend to know when their other half has been unfaithful, but don’t want confirmation of the facts because they’re scared their relationship wouldn’t withstand the revelation.
However, most partners can overcome the betrayal if an apology is swift, and there’s a genuine intention never to behave so thoughtlessly again.
Has it occurred to you that you might be angry your husband allows you to have so much leeway?
Surely this is a good time for “a state of relationship” talk, when you try to thrash out whether your separate social lives policy works.
A confession now will act as a curb on future impulses, because you know your husband has his eye on you. The conversation may not be easy, but it should make your life easier. - Daily Mail