Dear Prudence,
After the last kid, my wife was off the pill for about a year, and we used other contraception.
Eventually we agreed that she would go back on the pill for a year, and then I'd get a vasectomy. The snip is upcoming, but my wife is a much nicer person when on the pill. I know the rational part of her brain would agree because it manifests itself in how she interacts with the kids. It's subtle, not Jekyll and Hyde, but she seems so much healthier and happier as well.
Would it be soul-crushing for her if I just blurt it out one day over pizza? I guess I could lie and feign a stereotypical aversion to the snip. Can she handle the truth? Or do I just suck it up and live with it?
I Love You, but Take This Pill
Dear Take,
I do wonder about marriages in which people have to tiptoe around the most basic truths about each other.
I hope you wouldn't be mortally offended if your wife pointed out to you, “Honey, when you have that third martini, it just doesn't make your personality more sparkling.” Or, “I've noticed you get really cranky when you haven't been getting enough exercise. Let's start taking walks after dinner.”
Many women experience monthly mood swings because of rising and falling hormones. Some find the pill can even out the lows, and your wife is apparently one of them. The good news is that since she's on it, you don't have to time your conversation for the days of the month when she's least likely to take it the wrong way.
So just tell her, in a gentle, loving way, that you've noticed she doesn't experience the premenstrual blues when she's on the pill - maybe she's even noticed this herself - and ask if she wants to keep the status quo. Say that you are not raising this issue to back out of your agreement on getting snipped. After that, it's her decision. Surely if you handle this right, she won't offer to do your vasectomy on the spot.
Prudie
* Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist, using the name Prudence. Please send your questions for publication to [email protected]. Questions may be edited.
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