QUESTION: My brother has told me that his wife of 26 years is having an affair with his consent.
I feel furious with her, especially when she has children and a loving husband. Should I tell her how I feel?
ANSWER: It’s only natural to feel protective of a much-loved sibling - but it’s also important to listen to what they say.
If you’ve always been close, it’s understandable he would share key facts with you. And if he feels no anger, why would you charge in to battle on his behalf?
You assume your brother is suffering, but that may not be true - after all, he’s the one who broached the topic. It’s clear he doesn’t want to lose his wife, so he needs your help, not hostility.
It is possible their relationship has evolved beyond sex. Perhaps they feel that friendship, parenting and shared hinterland are more important than erotic ownership. Maybe your brother no longer wants to make love (quite a few people don’t once they hit middle age).
Maybe he’s one of the many people who think that unkindness and neglect are far worse than infidelity. If you still seethe with anger, I would question your emotions. Could your rage be more to do with your own situation than your brother’s? Is your marriage happy?
If your husband has been inattentive or unfaithful, you might be transferring your bitterness to your sister-in-law. Perhaps you feel she’s got away with something you’d be upbraided for.
And even if you have moral objections to all forms of adultery, it’s still possible to hate the sin but love the sinner.
I understand your concerns on behalf of your brother’s children and you would be entirely justified in raising those with him.
But on the wider issue I would advise caution. After all, he’s complicit. Blood may be thicker than water but wedding bonds can be both strong and elastic. - Daily Mail