QUESTION: Three months ago, after 15 years of marriage, my husband told me he had fallen in love with my best friend, and left that afternoon. I am totally devastated. My children, in their early teens, are very unhappy and disturbed and I hardly know how to go on being strong for them. I've been to see a solicitor, but I'm finding it very hard to make ends meet as my husband hasn't made any provision for us financially. Everyone's kind, and keeps assuring me it's his loss and I'll meet someone else. But that's not what I want to hear. I just want him back.
Yours sincerely, Tessa
ANSWER: Is there anything worse than being abandoned like this? Quite frankly, it would be better if your husband had died. Then, at least, you would a great deal more sympathy from friends, you would know that there was absolutely no hope of his ever returning, and you wouldn't be tormented by thoughts of him living in a love nest with his new woman.
And, above all, you wouldn't have been rejected for someone else.
Of course, friends are as sympathetic as they can be, but at the back of their minds, you know that there must be a nagging doubt: did she drive him away? Did living with her become intolerable? Thoughts that would never have entered their heads if he'd just dropped dead.
The first thing you must do is sort out the finances. That's a practical consideration which you do have some control over. He is legally obliged to make some provision, so get cracking on getting some money as soon as you can.
I would then make a list of all the things that will be better, now he's gone. I can't believe that there aren't some tiny advantages, even if they're as small as the fact that he snored in bed, or never helped around the house. Seize on every tiny plus, so you don't get overwhelmed by the negatives.
Saying “it's his loss” is glib. But remind yourself that if he could behave like this, so cruel and underhand, without giving you any warning or chance to repair your marriage before charging off, then he must be a deeply unpleasant and stupid man. If he can do it to you, tell yourself, he can do it to your so-called “best friend”. And, no doubt, will at some point in the future.
Will you meet someone else? Face facts: it's a possibility, but it's also a real possibility that you won't. But I'm constantly impressed by the number of single, older woman I've met who've either dumped or been dumped by a man, who manage their lives extremely well. After a terrible period of grief, crying and feeling utterly wretched, many of them rise up like phoenixes and start behaving in ways that they'd never have dreamed of behaving before.
They discover that their lives, though not the same as when they were married, are, in their own ways, deeply fulfilling and interesting. Yes, it can be lonely, but there are compensations. And women seem to be far better at coping on their own than men are (with the exception, of course, of those who are busy groping for their phones to dash off an angry email to their ex).
I think those are the sunny uplands you must look forward to rather than finding yet another bloke. Find a new way of life, rather than another partner. In the meantime, give yourself time to grieve and rage. Yes, it's worse than a death, but you will, I promise you, eventually find a new way of living. And it might not be nearly as bad as you think.
The Independent