Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been together for more than 10 years and he is a great husband.
He dotes on me and is kind and considerate. However, much to my disappointment, he is not a great a father to our children, ages three and five. We both work full-time and split child care duties, but he seems to take little enjoyment in parenting. He's often irritable and cranky in their presence, and loses his temper with both kids on a regular basis.
What worries me the most is that he can be physically rough with them. He's never hit them outright, but he will grab and handle them in a rough way - a few times there have been marks afterward. We have talked about this, many, many times but nothing changes. I have also gotten visibly upset with him about it in front of the kids, which maybe I shouldn't do.
The real problem is not that he loses his cool, but that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way he treats them, even though he would never treat me like that. It's hard to talk about this with anyone without making him sound horrible, and he's not a monster. I don't want to divorce him, but I feel like I'm not doing my job as a mother if I let this behaviour continue.
But then I wonder if I'm overreacting, considering what the rest of America seems to think is OK regarding discipline. Do I drag him to anger management counselling? Get his mother involved? Try to find a part-time job and just wait it out until they're older and less frustrating to parent? I desperately need some objectivity, please!
Worried Mom
Dear Worried,
I have gotten many letters over the years from adults who grew up in such circumstances. They have one loving parent, and one abuser. They are writing because while they don't want to cut the loving parent out of their lives, they choose to no longer see their abuser.
I often suggest to these letter writers that they set some terms for spending time only with the decent parent and make clear they will no longer subject themselves to mental, emotional, sometimes even physical abuse from the awful one. I also point out that while one parent may have been kind, that person failed in an essential duty: keeping the children safe. You do not want to be the parent who fails her children, so you must take decisive action.
Your husband has powerful incentive to address this fundamental failing: He adores you. You have to let him know that if he can't recognise he must change, and then do it, your marriage will be in grave jeopardy. You are not overreacting. You aren't describing a loving guy who sometimes gets exasperated. You are describing a cold, irritable father, who is leaving marks on his kids when he's angry.
I don't believe in corporal punishment, but again, your kids aren't getting an occasional spanking from a “traditional” but otherwise benevolent parent. Think about the fact that you're considering working less in order to protect your children from their father.
As for your getting upset when he's hurting them - I would hope you intervene to protect them. I don't see a solution in enlisting his mother to reform him. This is something you need to address together as parents. Tell your husband that he needs a complete overhaul in his approach to parenting. Say that you want to start by going to parenting classes together - then find a high-quality, nurture-based one. Let's hope that's the beginning of some progress.
You should also insist on couples counselling, and he would likely benefit from individual therapy. You know he is capable of kindness and love. If he can't show that to his own children, then it really doesn't matter how attentive a husband he is to you.
Prudie
* Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist, using the name Prudence. Please send your questions for publication to [email protected]. Questions may be edited.
Washington Post/Slate