‘My husband told me to take a lover’

Men never actually reach this point and just 'make peace' with being single again, even though it leaves resentment that can linger for years.

Men never actually reach this point and just 'make peace' with being single again, even though it leaves resentment that can linger for years.

Published Jun 21, 2013

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QUESTION: My husband suffers from serious depression and has become completely uninterested in sex since being prescribed medication. We have a loving family with two wonderful teenage children, but I can’t live without any form of passion. His response was that I should have affairs on a “don’t ask, don’t tell basis”. At first I was horrified, but now I wonder if he’s right. What do you think?

 

ANSWER: The most widely prescribed antidepressants (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs) have proved to be a double-edged sword.

Many people who were unable to cope have been returned to stability. However, there’s often no structured exit plan from taking the medication and a large proportion of users suffer from impaired libido.

This leaves the depressive and their partner with an unenviable dilemma. Which do you make the greater priority: your mental stability or your love life?

When you consider that depression itself tends to dampen desire, the decision becomes even murkier.

You can abandon the drugs, but there’s no guarantee your ardour will return, and untreated depression is incredibly dangerous.

Before you make any drastic decisions, I would advise the pair of you to see your GP and a psychiatrist. Check if there are alternative antidepressants available. You also need a long-term prognosis of your spouse’s condition. Your husband may believe he could tolerate you taking lovers, but how will he feel if his condition changes?

If his depression is alleviated and his libido restored, he may find it difficult to have sex with a wife who’s had affairs.

The love you’ve shown one another in discussing this matter openly (including your husband’s belief that you deserve an erotic life) is a measure of the strength of your relationship.

And it shows how much the pair of you stand to lose if you start experimenting outside your marriage.

Sexual arrangements are seldom as emotionally tidy as the expression suggests.

Book some sessions with a good relationship counsellor to talk through these issues. No adult should be asked to forego erotic expression indefinitely. But the happiest outcome would be if you and your husband could rekindle that passion together. - Daily Mail

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