London - Every marriage has its ups and downs - but it takes a brave couple to keep a detailed diary of their daily highs and lows.
Step forward Shona Sibary, 40, and husband Keith, 43, who have been married for 12 years and have four children - Florence, 12, Annie, 10, Monty, eight, and Dolly, two. The Sibarys, who live in Tilford, Surrey, kept a close track of their marriage for a month...
Shona: Some mornings, I wake up, look at Keith and immediately feel irritated - and that’s before he’s even woken up. I don’t understand how my feelings can ebb and flow so dramatically.
I’ve never heard another woman say out loud any of the things I think on a daily basis - things like “Can I live with this man, day in day out, for the rest of my life?” Or “Wasn’t the institution of marriage invented when nobody lived past the age of 50?”
Since Keith started working from home a year ago, I’ve learned there is such a thing as over-exposure to your husband. Nowadays, the only thing I fantasise about is having 10 minutes alone in the house.
We used to get on brilliantly when Keith caught a train to work every morning and there were 12 hours a day when we didn’t see each other.
Now, when he goes to the loo, or makes a cup of tea, or leaves half-eaten sandwiches on the kitchen worktop, I’m there to share the experience. Some women might feel comforted to know their husband’s exact whereabouts. I just feel murderous.
Keith: I know I don’t always show it, but I am constantly in awe of the sheer amount of stuff Shona has to get through on a daily basis. Since I started working from home, my admiration for her has increased.
She somehow manages to organise the lives of four children, run the house and continue to build her career as a journalist.
Today, in a moment of frustration, she accused me of having no idea what she has to deal with - and I have to admit she’s probably right.
But that doesn’t stop me from feeling grateful that it’s her, and not me, who’s dealing with it. That said, she can be horribly grumpy sometimes.
Shona: Keith managed to persuade me to stop working for an hour today and go for a run with him in the woods near our house. I have to admit this is one of the bonuses of being at home together - being able to take time out on our own while the kids are at school.
I hate the idea of running and never feel like doing it, but Keith is brilliant at persuading me that I’ll feel better afterwards. And he’s always right.
The thing I love about him is that he’s always genuinely delighted I’ve agreed to stop what I’m doing and spend time exercising with him.
And despite being an impressively accomplished runner himself, he was happy to plod along beside me at my achingly slow snail’s pace - even though it was obvious he was getting nothing from the run apart from the dubious pleasure of watching me on the brink of cardiac arrest.
Sometimes he can be so supportive and encouraging that I feel guilty for all the horrible things I’ve been thinking. But I’m not prepared to train for a marathon just to make my marriage better.
Keith: I don’t keep a tally of how often we have sex, but I do start to notice its absence if we go for a month without it - as is the case right now.
It’s not so much the act of intimacy I miss (although it would be nice to have some physical contact with my wife), it’s more the effect sex has for days afterwards. When we’re not intimate, we become increasingly distant from each other and nothing seems to work on any level.
Tonight was a typical example. It was parent-teacher evening at school, and we were told Flo had come top in art, with 94 percent in her exam.
I challenged her teacher about what the school was doing to further enhance her talent rather than resting on their laurels. I thought it was a reasonable point - but as soon as we left, Shona started going on at me about how embarrassing I was, asking me why I had to be so bullish and offhand.
Sometimes I’m left wondering if my wife even likes me any more. Aren’t you supposed to feel like a better man when you’re with your other half? There are times when I feel I’m a nicer person away from Shona.
Shona: We had friends over for dinner last night and I thought the evening had gone quite well - until Keith made a comment this morning about the fact I didn’t stop talking all evening and nobody could get a word in edgeways.
This crops up all the time between us. Keith’s conversational style is slower and more thoughtful than mine. If you don’t know him well, this can even come across as a little ponderous.
I am uncomfortable with long silences and tend to fill any gaps with slightly manic chatter. Keith thinks I dominate conversations; that I should stand back. But I don’t want people to think my husband is boring and I don’t want his reticence to be a reflection on me.
I hate days like this when we’re at odds with each other. We’re probably just tired from last night, but I think the fallout from social occasions is that it focuses a blinding spotlight on how different we are. I’m sure friends must look at us and think: “What the hell are they doing together?”
Keith: Some friends came for dinner last night - a couple from school whom we don’t know that well. As usual, Shona went into overdrive beforehand, polishing every surface in the house and agonising about what to feed them.
I know she gets infuriated with my attitude on occasions like this, but I don’t believe people care if our house is a little messy. Shona wants everything to be perfect, though, which puts an enormous strain on us in the lead-up to our guests arriving.
At one point I said: “You really need to manage your stress levels better.” She threw a tea-towel at me and stormed upstairs, which wasn’t a good start to the evening.
We’re disconcertingly out of synch on occasion. I just hope that this is a normal part of married life.
Shona: It was pouring with rain today as I tried to reverse out of a space in the supermarket car park and pranged the rear bumper of our new car. I must have PMT because I just sat there, with the engine running, bawling my eyes out.
I was dreading what Keith would say, but when I told him he just hugged me and said: “Don”t worry - at least you didn’t run anybody over.” In that moment, I remembered why I married him. He’s unflappable - he never gets unnecessarily worked up about things.
Keith: It’s been a long, draining week but, despite feeling exhausted, I suggested to Shona that we go out for a bite to eat. I thought it would do us both good to get out of the house. As I pulled out of the drive, she complained about my driving and asked me to slow down.
I told her to back off, which started a huge row. She insisted I turn the car round and drive her home - which I did. I was fuming.
Usually, when we argue, it snowballs into something bigger and I might as well kiss goodbye to having a nice time for several hours. But, strangely, as we neared the house, Shona did something she rarely does. She apologised.
So we went to the restaurant after all. It was a slightly unsettled evening, but at least we managed to salvage it.
Shona: Had a massive argument with Keith on our way out to dinner. We both prefer to be in the driver’s seat and I’m quite a nervous passenger - which he fails to acknowledge when we’re in the car together.
All I said was “Can you slow down?”, but he immediately took offence and went off the deep end. I could see our entire evening being ruined because neither of us was prepared to back down.
One thing I have learnt about marriage is that if there’s any hope of it working, one person has to give in. Even though I was virtually trembling with anger, I remembered something wise someone once asked me: “Is it more important to be right, or to be happy?”
Anyway, I was starving and in need of food. We had an OK time in the end.
Keith: The cumulative effect of several recent arguments has created distance between us, and I’m finding it increasingly hard to reach out to Shona with any tenderness. Sometimes it feels like we’re two strangers existing side by side in the same house.
But last night I was determined to try to bridge the gap, so I massaged her feet while we watched TV. This did the trick: we had an early night and made love for the first time in weeks.
Shona: It was very sweet of Keith to cook dinner last night, then we snuggled up on the sofa afterwards to watch TV. When we spend time together like this, just chilling out, I feel a huge internal sigh of relief, as if I’m letting my defences down.
So later, when we were in bed and Keith initiated sex, I didn’t immediately think “Oh God, do I have to?” (which is usually what I think). It was lovely. Afterwards, I lay there thinking we should do it more often. But that’s the thing with sex, isn’t it? The less you have, the less you want it. And vice versa.
Keith: We had to confront the hornet’s nest that is discussing our finances and how we’re going to make it to the end of the month without having to sell everything we own.
This is a well-trodden path to a bust-up and I’ve been putting off the discussion for fear of incurring the additional cost of divorce proceedings.
This morning, though, we actually managed to talk sensibly without one or both of us storming off and I know this is because we feel closer to each other after the other night. When we have sex, we seem more able to navigate through difficult moments without fighting.
Shona: I have just spent ten hours packing for our summer holiday to France.
Remembering what to take for four children can be a logistical nightmare and I refuse to pack for Keith too. Consequently, all he has done is throw a few of his own clothes into a bag then ask me, without a hint of irony: “Do you know where the map is?”
I’m worried that a few hours cooped up in a car with four children, navigating the French road system, will spark a row.
Keith: I’m looking forward to getting away with Shona and the children and relaxing together as a family, away from all the demands and stresses in our daily lives.
There have been times, recently, when I’ve felt fairly hopeless about our marriage. But I’m convinced that this is the by-product of outside factors - busy jobs, financial strain and bringing up four children.
I still look at Shona and see the woman I fell in love with and decided to marry. And I’m still attracted to her. Just not when we’re in the car... - Daily Mail