London - Had she known that buying her small son a new comic and some sweets would lead to such a row, Tammy Butler might have thought twice before handing over the money to the newsagent. But then she hadn’t expected her husband Paul to see red about her spending such a seemingly insignificant sum.
“He went mad, saying we could not afford luxuries like this and we had a terrible row,” recalls Tammy, 34. “It wasn’t the first – we argue a lot about money nowadays. He has a go at me about spending unnecessarily on the family, and I get angry when he wants to go out with his friends because we can’t afford it.
“Life has become unbelievably difficult.”
It’s not a situation they thought they’d find themselves in.
Until the recession struck two years ago, the Butlers were comfortably off – Tammy earned £50 000 (R644 000) a year as a marketing manager and Paul around £30 000 (R386 000) running a hotel.
They had a beautiful home in Chesterfield, Derbyshire, ate out at good restaurants regularly and frequently went on holiday.
But since then, both have been made redundant twice and are now working in other jobs earning half what they used to. They’ve managed to cling to the house, but everything else has gone.
“We’re grateful to be working,” says Tammy, “but when we get home each night, we sit in the same front room watching the same TV programmes because we can’t afford to go out.”
Tammy buys food that’s been reduced because it’s near its sell-by date and there are no family trips to the zoo with Alex, 7, birthday presents or other treats.
“The recession has sucked all the fun out of our lives and we are left trying to cling to what brought us together in the first place,” she says.
The Butlers aren’t the only ones suffering. Last month, an article on the “squeezed middle classes” provoked a huge response from readers keen to share their economic woes and fears for the bleak British winter ahead.
Many detailed how financial hardship was not only ruining their finances but relationships as well. And they aren’t alone. Relate recently reported a rise in demand for its marital counselling services in two-thirds of its centres, while the Office for National Statistics reveals divorce rates have risen by 6 percent as the economy worsens.
Relate says a quarter of all couples are arguing far more, with money worries the common bone of contention.
Tammy admits: “Money worries drain everything, and have had a marked effect on our relationship. But thank goodness we’ve managed to stay together – of Paul’s seven closest friends, three are divorcing as a result of the recession and all the problems it brings. It makes you feel incredibly vulnerable.”
PR consultant Emma Woods, 47, who lives in Amersham, Bucks, is facing a similar crisis.
Before the economic downturn, she felt she had it all: a four-bedroom detached home, three children and a happy marriage to Nick, an entrepreneur running his own successful business selling kitchen equipment to restaurants and hotels.
But then the storm hit.
“Suddenly all my dreams for the future look in doubt,” she says, “and I’m contemplating having to work full-time. My husband and I bicker far more about money and our relationship has taken a turn for the worse. I feel constantly under pressure from all sides.
“The tensions between us are growing even worse as we approach Christmas. I would love to splash out on lovely presents for the family, but we just don’t have the money. Nick and I argue about it endlessly.
“I worry far more than Nick because I like to plan for the future, and I hate the fact that we can’t put any money away as savings, or into a pension pot, or pay for treats. The worry is constantly in the back of my mind, and this inevitably takes its toll on our relationship. I snap at him when it isn’t his fault. It’s a symptom of the worry rather than a problem in our relationship.”
Professor Jan Pahl, Emeritus Professor of Social Policy at Kent University and author of Money And Marriage, believes many couples are in similar situations to Emma and Nick, Paul and Tammy.
“Many marriages will crumble under the pressure,” she warns.
“Money is the main topic of controversy within a marriage, alongside sex or the lack of it. What is hardest for couples is that it’s a secret worry – very few people are willing to share their financial worries with friends or family.”
Emma agrees. “Little things spark off rows – who is spending the most, who is wasting money. We know we have to pull together on this but you can’t help feeling resentful and apportioning blame.”
Pahl says: “The complication in a marriage is that a family is not a single financial unit. Usually both partners are earning and they have their own money and their own spending priorities. Usually women will prioritise the children and the home, whereas men are more likely to spend money on themselves, gadgets or sport. A great deal of the tension comes from these differing priorities.”
Self-employed beautician Vicky Morton, 24, agrees. She lives in Macclesfield, Cheshire, with her partner David, 35, who works for a plastic manufacturer, and their three young children.
She says: “The financial situation means so many of my dreams for the future are being put on hold.
“We’re living in a three-bedroom end-of-terrace house, and I had planned for us to move in the next few years into a four-bedroom detached house with a bigger garden, to give the children more space and a bedroom each. But David’s company is cutting back – they have made redundancies and reduced hours for staff, so we’ve had to put our plans on hold.
“Also, fewer women are having beauty treatments so my earnings have halved in the past two years.
“I am trying to cut back – but even one trip to Tesco and only filling half a trolley costs about £50 (R650). It’s putting pressure on our relationship, especially as David and I have very different attitudes to money – I love to spend, whereas he is much more cautious.
“I resent having to cut back on everything, whereas David says if we can’t afford it, we are not buying it. He says I’m expecting too much and that is causing tension between us.”
Vicky, mom to Leon, five, Toby, three, and Millie, one, admits: “If I am honest, I must say the hardest thing for me is having to put my aspirations on hold. It is as if the future I had planned for us is rapidly going up in smoke.”
Pahl believes money worries are the primary reason behind most marriage break-ups.
“The most important thing is for couples to talk to each other openly. You mustn’t let resentment fester, or hide bills from each other.
“What the recession will mean is that there might be more pressure on one partner, if they can earn more money than the other, and this means the balance of power within the relationship may shift.”
So, if the wife has to go out to work, or work more, then the relationship will shift on its axis.
For Sarah Owen, 45, who lives in Oxford and runs her own events business, the time has run out for positive thinking and she is in the process of divorcing her husband Stephen, also 45.
“He was made redundant two years ago from his job running IT projects within the banking system,” says Sarah, who has two children, Jack, 15, and Arthur, 13.
“Stephen had been well paid, and I could afford to work part-time.
“We hadn’t saved, because we thought the good times would never end. We did not envisage Stephen losing his job and when he did, it was as if his world had ended. He was paid a year’s salary, but we perhaps foolishly used that to pay off a part of the mortgage.
“Then, instead of looking for work, he sat at home and in the evenings went out to the pub and began to drink heavily. I was the one trying to cope – it was as if he had opted out of his responsibilities to his family.”
Sarah built her business up, and began to work five days a week. Even so, their sons had to leave their private schools.
“Stephen and I argued constantly about money and eventually we had a massive row and he walked out,” says Sarah. “To be honest, it was a relief. It was as if he was constantly under a dark cloud.”
Sarah is now solely responsible for her family, as Stephen still does not have a job and is living with his parents.
They are selling their four-bedroom country home.
“In the space of six months, my life changed for ever,” she says. “Money was definitely at the heart of it. I couldn’t bear that Stephen seemed to have just given up.”
Pahl says: “Everyone needs to take a long hard look at their finances, and if necessary, seek professional help.
“Life will be tough this year and next and sadly, some couples might not weather the storm.” - Daily Mail