Durban - Jealousy is an emotion that typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear and anxiety over a perceived loss of something that a person values. It is something everyone feels from time to time in varying degrees and intensities.
We guard our territory, both emotional and material. Few people are so secure in their relationships with others that they do not, at least occasionally, fear an aggressor who threatens to snatch what they have.
The woman who finds out her husband is having an affair with someone else is bound to be jealous, and understandably so… but, with the passage of time, she becomes amenable to reason and reconciliation. Surprisingly, some go so far as to accept that men are visually oriented and “cruise” women in the same way that they enjoy noticing flashy cars.
Expecting a man to be blind to beauty in other women, they admit, would be unreasonable.
The obsessively-jealous wife, for some reason that is not clear, has been researched more widely than her male counterpart. She is generally characterised as a woman who is jealous without sufficient cause.
Luckily for everyone, obsessively-jealous wives (and husbands) are relatively rare. But when they are encountered, they can be dangerous and destructive to all around them.
The obsessively jealous wife, who thinks every woman is out to trap her husband and take him away from her, spends a great part of her life trying to protect herself from feeling emotionally insecure.
She is often incapable of giving love herself, but desperately wants to be loved. Above all, she hates being ignored. Driven by this irrational belief, she watches her spouse’s every reaction to a newcomer.
Anything less than hatred and revulsion on his part towards this “intruder” will arouse and aggravate her jealousy. Women seem particularly adept at picking up “hands-off-my-man” cues.
Perhaps it’s a part of their survival strategy!
When introduced to her, there is no open smile on the part of the insecure wife or a show of interest in the new acquaintance.
Rather, there is a visible hardening of the eyes, a frozen social smile and a quick assessment of the newcomer’s physical attraction and charming graces.
If the newcomer is in the slightest way attractive, the overly-jealous wife will instantly try to establish superiority in some way.
She does not just wonder if the newcomer is interested in her husband, she is convinced she is.
Changing jealousy into tenderness:
* For starters, admit that you are jealous. Express your jealousy with a statement that starts with “I” : “I felt so insecure when you…”
* Make simple requests that will help relieve your feelings: “Would you give me a call when you’re late?”
* Treat jealous accusations as though they were expressions of affection: “So you really do love me, don’t you?”
* When you notice the opposite sex, do so appropriately, without gaping, and then give your partner a little extra attention.
If these clean-up procedures do not detoxify damaging incidents and do not prevent the recurrence of similar upsets, consider consulting a professional. Most couples wait far too long before they get counselling help. A little bit of help early on can nip problems in the bud. - Daily News
* Ramphal is an educational psychologist with special interests in career counselling and the learning and behaviour problems of children and adolescents. Visit www.ramphaledupsych.co.za