Washington - I'm not ashamed to admit it: Before this season, I was a Bachelorette virgin. I'd seen snippets of The Bachelor, but not even a full episode; just enough to deem the show beneath me. Yup, I'm one of those.
But now that I'm running a blog all about unmarried life, I decided it was time to watch. And about halfway through this season, I'm not ashamed to say I've gotten sucked in. Yup, I'm one of those.
As over-the-top and unrealistic as the “reality” show is, I've also been struck by the ways in which it's a pretty good metaphor for modern dating. (Or maybe that's just my attempt to convince myself that the show isn't a colossal waste of time.) Here are five ways the show resembles real-life dating — and two ways it's better than reality.
1. There's no exclusivity in the beginning.
Most singles have jobs and lives, and are not dating 25 people at once. However, the overwhelmingly large crowd of dudes on The Bachelorette does reflect the fact that, in real life, potential dates are everywhere. You could be out with someone great, and he could be messaging with tomorrow's date or Tinder-swiping while you're in the restroom. According to a 2015 study conducted by Mic.com, 45 percent of couples took less than a month to become exclusive, and 28 percent of respondents took one to two months to get to that point.
We're six weeks into this season of The Bachelorette. So, while it makes sense that tempers are getting inflamed over Kaitlyn Bristowe's multiple budding relationships, she shouldn't be shamed for it. That's right, Shawn. If you really “can't take it anymore,” well, you can leave.
2. Group dates can be great.
Yes, Monday's group date — a fake wake for Kaitlyn — was super-creepy. Not to mention emotionally difficult for Ben Z., who lost his mom when he was 12. Plenty of the other group dates (sumo wrestling, mariachi singing) have been a mix of ridiculous, culturally insensitive and overly aggressive. I don't know any real singles, not on reality TV, who go on such outings. But watching them does remind me of the utility of group dates or friend outings as good ways to get to know people in a more relaxed atmosphere than dinner, drinks or a movie.
You also get to see different sides of people in a group than one-on-one. For example, about a year ago I was on a third date with someone, and we ran into another friend of mine also on a third date. The four of us paired up for an impromptu double date. It was just an hour of group conversation, but it gave me a chance to see this guy — who up until then seemed pretty shy — come out of his shell a bit more. I never would have thought to go on a double date so soon, but when we ended up on one accidentally, I saw a good side of his personality that wasn't coming out when just the two of us were hanging out.
3. Some people are too into themselves to get to know someone else.
You know the men (and women!) I'm talking about. When you find one, walk away.
4. Sex happens. And (gasp!) sometimes it happens before exclusivity.
Eighty-five percent of Americans approve of premarital sex. And yet, ABC is so conservative that it rarely hints at sex on The Bachelorette. (Or so I've read, because, as previously stated, I'm new to the franchise.) After watching Kaitlyn casually tell Feminist Comedian of The Moment Amy Schumer, in episode 3 that she's kissed all the men on the show, I was somewhat surprised to see Kaitlyn's massive guilt attack Monday over spending some “off-camera time” with Nick Viall.
Okay, so I probably wouldn't trust a guy who's infamous for slut-shaming the last Bachelorette. But up until this breakdown, Kaitlyn seemed like a woman who didn't unnecessarily apologise for her actions. As Jennifer Weiner so appropriately tweeted: “This shouldn't even need to be said, but: when a 30-year-old woman sleeps with a guy she's dating, no need to freak out.”
5. People from the past pop up into the present all the time.
When Nick Viall showed up and Kaitlyn agonised about whether to allow him to join, the other men cried foul. They're still crying foul. And I get it: It seems “unfair” to let another contestant into this contrived dating game. But people from singles' pasts pop up into the present all the time. Nick's not an ex resurfacing, but he's a reminder of the fact that no relationship is immune to other people potentially entering the scene and shaking things up.
And now, here's what I wish The Bachelorette could import into the real world:
1. For once, the dating numbers are in the woman's favour.
Yes, we know that there are more single women than men out there. According to a CityLab post from Richard Florida, based on data from the American Community Survey, New York has about 230 000 more single women than men and Washington, D.C., clocks in at 65 000 more single women. Being in the majority can drive women to lower their standards and become desperate. That desperation depresses me more than the actual numbers. So watching a TV show where the demographics are flipped — where a woman has her choice of 25 men — is a good antidote to the idea that there are no men out there. Now, I'm not saying you can tell them apart, but I will say that The Bachelorette is one place where the numbers are in a woman's favour.
2. The finality of the rose ceremony.
The rose ceremony is long and overly dramatic. It's where I realise that I can't remember anyone's name. There's always one close-up of a guy where I think: He's still on the show? But here's what I love about it: There's no ghosting. You don't get a rose, and you go home. Despite its thorns, a rose ceremony can be less painful than those real-life rejections where it takes days or weeks to realise someone has sent you “home” without saying a word.
Washington Post/Bloomberg