Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I (same-sex relationship) have been together a few years.
Last spring he lost his job and decided to go back to school. I added him on to my health insurance, which required an affidavit saying that we were in a long-term, committed relationship and were denied the ability to legally marry to qualify for spousal benefits. In that affidavit there was a clause that stated if marriage became a legal option we would have to get married within six months to keep the benefits.
In October marriage equality reached our state and I asked him when he wanted to start planning our wedding. He said he wasn't sure he still wanted to, which was a complete surprise to me.
He said he loves me and doesn't want our relationship to change, but he's not ready to legalise our relationship. I don't want to force him into anything, but now we have this deadline of either getting married or losing his insurance. Any suggestions?
Not a Groom
Dear Not,
Now that marriage equality is becoming the norm, it's inevitable that “When are you marrying me?” equality is just behind.
Your dilemma is compounded by the absurdity of a health-care system in which access is tied to employment. You signed an affidavit stating that if marriage became available, you two would become husband and husband in order to keep your low co-pay and in-network discount. Ah, the romance!
It's kind of amusing to think of those who outwardly cheered the Supreme Court's recent decision that will allow same-sex marriage to expand, while inwardly thinking, “But I'm not ready!”
You two should grapple with this question for reasons deeper than your employee benefit package. If your partner is a full-time student, his university might offer health insurance, and he should also look into your state's health-care exchange.
You want him to feel in his heart that he's ready to marry you, not that he's doing it because he feels there's something wrong with his heart and he can't afford to see a cardiologist unless he says, “I do.”
Prudie
* Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist, using the name Prudence. Please send your questions for publication to [email protected]. Questions may be edited.
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