QUESTION: Ten years ago, having had several unsuccessful, painful relationships, I met a great guy, but he was a bit of a drinker.
During our two years together he promised he'd never let me down like the others. Then he suddenly dumped me, and married someone else within six months. I became very ill and so upset I had to leave my job temporarily.
I've now received a letter from him saying he wants to "make amends" for his behaviour (something to do with AA). What do I say? I'm now too old to have children (he has two) and I still can't forgive him.
Yours sincerely,
Viola
Answer: You're right about this letter being something to do with AA. Your ex-boyfriend is taking The Twelve Steps, which is a series of edicts laid down by Alcoholics Anonymous to help its members stay sober. Among these steps are these two directives: "Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all"; and "Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
I'm afraid your boyfriend has not taken into the account the final phrase of that last step - because I can imagine that you feel terribly hurt to get his letter. It feels as if he's written to you, raking up the past and causing you to relive all the disappointment and bitterness you felt, just in order to help him feel better about himself.
This is the problem with guilt. Once you shed it, it has to have somewhere to go. It doesn't just vanish into thin air. The result of an apology can be to make the person you've harmed feel much better - or it can, as in your case, alight on that person's head and traumatise them all over again. The other person is left feeling not only injured but in a terrible double bind, finding it difficult - because of the apology - to summon up the healing and justifiable anger.
He's written you a letter in order to feel better about himself. You would be perfectly justified in writing back a letter to him saying why you don't feel like accepting his apology. Be as hurtful as you like. Naturally, I would suggest that you wait a month before sending it, because it could be that just writing it will make you feel better, and I doubt that you want to post off a raging letter that you might regret. (Though I suppose, after writing it and sending it, if you did regret it, you could give him a taste of his own medicine by following it up with another apologising for it and asking if you could make amends for it!)
However, he is at least acknowledging the hurt he caused you, and at least he's been sensible enough to stop drinking. He's doing his best. And I'm sure you have betrayed people horribly in the past from time to time - I know there must be many people in my life who feel I betrayed them. Betrayal and being betrayed seems to be part of the human condition.
My own advice would be to tear the letter up and either send it back to him or put it in the bin. You don't have to respond in any way at all. Soon, the dust will settle and you'll back to where you were, which was, I hope, a better position than the one which you're in now.
The Independent