Clandestine sex and secret rendezvous may be exciting, but getting involved with a married man has taught Marilyn* more about herself, writes Noor-Jehan Yoro Badat.
I got involved with a married man about five years ago. We met at a trade show, it was work related. When we met I didn’t know he was married. He had no wedding ring. But it soon became apparent that he was married.
He made no attempt to hide it and also made no attempt to say that his marriage was bad – that his wife didn’t understand him, and so on. I think he knew I would not buy it.
When I met him, I was in a relationship (which is still going). I was on a business trip on my own and while I certainly was not looking, it happened. I walked into one of the halls and saw him standing against the wall talking to someone. I took one look at him and felt that unexplainable electric feeling. I actually turned around and walked out because I just knew he was trouble. I avoided the hall all day.
That evening at an industry cocktail party I was getting a drink and as I turned away from the bar I walked straight into him – and I was home. I believe we both felt it and the most terrifying part of all of it was how easy it was to be together both personally and professionally.
What attracted me to him and I found hard to resist was the power. There is something about a man who knows who he is. They usually have made loads of money or are the top of their chosen field. For me it’s about the business mind, when someone knows more than me, has lived harder, faster than me. It’s irresistible, it is very hard to find. He is also reasonably attractive – middle-aged but confident.
Bright, focused and selfish. An *sshole actually, but one that I could not stay away from. When I am with him, despite him being able to destroy me with a look, I feel home – and that’s what really got to me – the feeling of home. We are both committed to our primary relationships and there was never any talk of walking away from that. I think we have previous life issues which remain unresolved. This is cellular memory stuff.
I never felt guilty about this affair. I never wanted more than moments together. Maybe it was because we both knew that it would never happen. We lived in different continents, had relationships, and have children.
Our moments did not interfere with our real lives, it played out in the quiet of hotel rooms and board rooms – nobody knew. It was possibly the most intimate experience of my life. It is quite interesting talking about it for the first time.
I never asked him about his wife and family. There are a couple of rules when you have an affair. First, never have an affair with someone who has less to lose than you because in a moment of pain they will tell your partner.
Second, never have an affair with someone madder than you; it’s the same problem – after too much to drink it all comes out.
Third, never call them by their name, because in a moment of passion or anger you will call your primary partner by their name.
Fourth, never wear perfume or lipstick with them, it leaves a trace. And last, never give context to their life. You don’t want to know that he likes dogs, lives in… it makes it very hard to walk away from. If they only exist in the hotel room, it can be contained and attachments don’t arise.
He was open about his marriage, he wasn’t in an unhappy one. I do think that people have affairs for different reasons, I have never had an affair with the hope that he was going to leave his wife and be with me. It has always been just for now, just for fun. No harm, no future. We met through business. We had plenty of opportunity to meet several times a year.
We also spent a lot of time working together. And this is where it was the best for me because we really get to know each other and work fantastically well together. He can finish my sentences and I can finish his thought processes.
The sexual part of the relationship only lasted about a year and then we entered a strange type of affair where we spoke every week and met up twice a year. We still keep in contact but I would not call it an affair, more friendship now. The sex wasn’t great, terrible actually. So we spent more time working, talking and eating and because that was so easy we were able to not have sex. I found myself feeling much more for him than I expected, but I knew that the first time I saw him. It is very difficult to be without him, but never because he has a wife.
I knew that and those are the rules. I am more jealous of his work colleagues and his business. I know I’m a bit odd. I never asked him to leave his wife. I just want my part of him, not hers. I think he must be an awful husband, he is never home, works too hard and is professionally driven.
I’m involved with him now only professionally and very occasionally, but I miss him every single day. The relationship ended because we both got busy. I realised that the price I would have to pay to stay involved in this relationship was more than I was prepared to pay. I would have wanted more than he could give, so I needed to disconnect, and I did. I understand the game – and that’s what it is – I know that if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you. What I gained and learned from a relationship like this is that I understood a bit more about myself.
I know what I don’t have and what I don’t want. My advice to women who are involved with married men is if he tells you his marriage is dreadful and his wife doesn’t understand him, run. It’s a line and a lie. Only two types of men leave their wives – the naughty and the needy, and you do not want to marry either. But mostly, don’t get involved. Someone is going to bleed and chances are it will be you.” - The Star
*Name has been changed to protect her identity.