QUESTION: For many years I've been living a bit of a double life.
I'm happily married but when I go to my other offices in Bristol, I see a young man there who I have grown very fond of. He is happy with the situation - I only see him once a fortnight or so.
However, recently, I was walking down the street with this man - who's very obviously gay - and my daughter saw us. She was in Bristol on a course, and I had no idea she'd be there.
I'm sure she knew what was going on - she looked stunned - but I'm at a loss to know what to do now.
Yours sincerely, Alan
ANSWER: You have absolutely no idea that your daughter knew what was going on. Not unless, of course, you were walking arm in arm and nuzzling each other's necks. And it doesn't sounds like that.
Guilt has fired up your imagination, and you forget that all your daughter saw was you walking with a gay-looking man down the street. And how gay-looking was he? Are you sure she could identify his sexuality from just noticing him walking along? Was he wearing a “Proud to be Gay” T-shirt? He could be any old bloke: an old friend from school, or a work-experience guy from the office who you were showing around, or anybody.
Unless you are absolutely certain that, from bumping into you, she could tell the entire story - you have a gay other life, you've been having an affair with this person for years and you've been keeping all this from her mother - I don't think that at this moment you need necessarily confess; unless, of course, you're finding it all a burden and some part of you would welcome the ability to be more open about your double life.
Even if you do feel like this, I would keep quiet just at the moment if you can get away with it. But perhaps this meeting has signalled if not the need to be open, at least to take stock.
Can you really maintain this life without being found out? Should you be taking even greater steps to be secret - not even being seen anywhere in public, for a start? Or would it be politic just to introduce the existence of this man into conversation with your wife?
She doesn't have to know anything about your sex life at this stage. You could just say you've become friendly with someone in Bristol and it's a relief to have someone to chat to rather than spending your evenings in a lonely hotel room.
Only you can decide whether this surprise meeting pushes you to greater openness or greater secrecy, but one or the other is obviously in order. I tend to favour honesty, but if you feel the relationship in Bristol might, at some point, fizzle out - while you'd like your marriage to remain strong - I'm not sure it's worth the risk.
Then again, of course, you have no idea whether your wife has some inkling of your sexuality. Some partners are astonished when their partners reveal another side to their characters. Others say: “Oh, I always suspected it. It's nothing new to me!”
I suggest making an appointment to see a psychosexual counsellor. I'm sure it would be a relief for you to have someone you could talk to frankly and openly about your sexuality - before making a decision whether to open up about your double life or disguise it more efficiently.
The Independent