Dear Prudie,
In my family, especially around the holidays, you have to be able to dish it out and take it. Good-natured ribbing about the things you've done, large and small, flies around the room, and the measure of how much we like you is how much we tease you.
No matter how much I tell that to my current boyfriend, he doesn't get it. He takes my family's barbs as personal. They give him grief about his age (which really isn't that old) or about how all his friends have kids (and he doesn't) or about how his favourite team never wins the Super Bowl (while theirs does).
He's a super straight arrow, and it's even hard to come up with things to tease him about. If he dished it out in return, they'd respect him for it. Instead, he politely sits there, smiles uncomfortably, and waits for it to end. My family winds up not knowing if he likes us or not. Does his discomfort mean that we should stop teasing him altogether? If so, I have no idea what he'll do at any of our family gatherings.
Start Dishing
Dear Start,
Your family sounds a lot like mine. I once took a new boyfriend, a redhead, to a family gathering. My uncle looked at him and by way of saying hello asked, “Do you have red pubic hair?” My date stuck his thumb out at me and replied, “Ask her.” Boom! I think I can resolve one question troubling all of you.
You ask if your boyfriend likes your family. The answer is, no. Most people, you've probably found, don't seek out social occasions at which they will be relentlessly mocked. Even though you and I come from families in which shredding each other is a sport, you also have to acknowledge that the world is better off if families like ours are in the minority.
You ended up with someone who is well-mannered, and I'm betting that was no accident. So it is rude of you to ask your boyfriend to adopt a different personality and go around the holiday table telling your sister that the episode of Girls in which Hannah got an STD made him think of her, or rejoice to your father over the great news that Medicare covers penis pumps.
Your boyfriend's response to your family's antics — sitting there politely until it is blessedly time to leave — is brilliant, one that gives your insult comics no toehold. And maybe as a way of showing you really love him, you'll tell your boyfriend you understand if this year he wants to skip the festive season with your folks.
Prudie
Slate/Washington Post