Will celibacy help me find a man?

Is going celibate for a year the key to finding lasting happiness?

Is going celibate for a year the key to finding lasting happiness?

Published Jun 29, 2011

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Question: I split from my husband three years ago and in the past 18 months have gone a bit crazy on the dating front - I’ve had six short-lived relationships. My best friend told me I should try to be celibate for a year, so I can slow down and make better choices. I thought that was good advice until the man of my dreams contacted me via an online dating agency and we met for a drink. We had an amazing time and then he asked me to spend a weekend in Paris with him, but I felt I had to say “no”. He was upset and hasn’t contacted me since. Am I mad to stick to a vow of celibacy and risk losing Mr Right?

ANSWER: Let me ask you something: did you think any of the six men you dated in the past 18 months were Mr Right when you met them?

I have a hunch you did - or why did you start relationships with the blighters?

Then, one by one, they slunk off like foxes in the night, leaving the hen coop scattered with blood and feathers. How do you know this suitor is any better than the rest?

I think we have to recognise that your radar isn’t perfectly primed at the moment. That is why your best friend has decided to intervene to try to protect you from another ill-fated romance.

I doubt she would have suggested voluntary chastity unless she feels you’ve been hopping into bed too hastily and it’s making you unhappy.

The underlying principle of your friend’s advice seems sound to me: slow down and don’t let your better judgment be clouded by lust.

Your behaviour has been a bit crazy by your own admission and it’s time to consider your true objectives. Presumably, you would like to find another meaningful long-lasting relationship.

I’d say that anyone who ditches you because you defer sex until you know you are compatible is unlikely to be the man of your dreams.

There is nothing wrong in telling a date you have been scarred by a series of abortive relationships and would like to take things slower this time. It’s a tried-and-tested way of weeding out men who are only interested in a quick seduction.

Where I feel less certain is whether you are right to make a solemn vow to cry off sex for an entire year.

I worry you will find it so hard to achieve your target that you’ll ignore your resolution entirely.

The scenario reminds me of a friend who decided she wouldn’t eat chocolate for a year - she lasted four days. If she had set herself a more realistic target, she would have been more successful.

I would be more inclined to decide you won’t have sex until you have been going out with a potential partner for a number of months.

My point is that it’s not the imposed time period of celibacy that is important so much as the time you allow yourself to get to know and trust a man before you take intimacy a step further.

It would be futile for me to tell you that if a man truly loved and respected you, he would definitely wait for a year to make love, because such abstinence could prove torturous.

Some men become angry when they miss a meal, others lose their sense of perspective if they are crazy about a woman and she doesn’t seem to want to have sex with him.

In other words, set your parameters in a way that proves reasonable for you and a potential partner. Having said that, you may find your new stern criterion weeds out quite a few rotters and a year or even more passes before you find someone who is more interested in you as a person than a quick seduction.

That may seem frustrating, but remind yourself how much more frustrating it would be to have another string of meaningless flings.

Women are always trying to persuade themselves they’re as good as men at no-strings sex, but that’s rarely the case. Most of the women I know feel deeply depressed by men who cheerfully sleep with them, then disappear.

Now let’s suppose this man of your dreams is the real deal. If that is the case, you should be able to contact him and explain exactly why you want to take things slowly.

Say how much you like him and how grateful you were for the invitation to Paris, but explain you think it would be more thrilling for you both to undertake a proper courtship before you take things to the French capital.

If he baulks at this, it’s safe to assume the trip to Paris was little more than a much-used seduction ruse and “The One” is just “One More” in a long line of commitment-phobes. - Daily Mail

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