QUESTION: I recently discovered my husband of 23 years had a brief affair 16 years ago, when our children were small and I was totally focused on them. I have forgiven him, but it’s ruining the intimate side of our marriage.
ANSWER: I am not surprised you feel inhibited in bed. You have been heroically understanding and loving in forgiving your husband, but you haven’t given yourself time to process all the complex emotions.
You have jumped through the five stages of grief to acceptance, but you haven’t given your heart time to catch up.
Great sorrows are mourned in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. Not everyone progresses this neatly - emotions can overlap and you may feel more rage than sorrow. But it’s a good description of the process of coming to terms with loss or betrayal.
You haven’t allowed yourself any space for anger and I can’t help wondering if this is taking its toll in the bedroom. It’s hard to let go and be passionate if you are seething.
Yes, you can rationalise your pain and jealousy by telling yourself it was your fault: your attention was trained on your children, so you neglected your spouse. Therefore, you shouldn’t be angry with him.
If you feel it would damage your marriage to broach the matter in depth with your husband, why not see a therapist?
Once you’ve expressed your emotions, don’t expect miracles. Sexual betrayals — however far in the past — take time to come to terms with.
You will need to re-establish trust before you can reach your former level of intimacy.
You may even find that allowing yourself to feel anger may help rekindle passion.
It’s hard to believe a woman with your generosity of spirit won’t find the sparks flying again before long. - Daily Mail