QUESTION: I finally have got round to reading Fifty Shades Of Grey. My husband saw me and to my surprise (and horror) started dropping hints that he’d like to try some of the things in the book. For me, such fantasies should remain in the mind. How do I tell him without seeming like a spoilsport?
ANSWER: I sometimes worry that the furore around Fifty Shades Of Grey and racy reads like it has made many over-excited partners forget the boundaries between fact and fantasy.
When I was young, every woman was reading Shirley Conran’s Lace books, but no one thought we all longed to be soft porn stars like the heroine Lili. Nor did anyone suspect the vast global readership of Colleen McCullough’s The Thorn Birds was actually panting after Roman Catholic priests.
So why does everyone think the popularity of Fifty Shades means its female fans are all desperate for light bondage? Most women know their own erotic tastes and aren’t taken in by “trends”.
There’s nothing new about S&M (just ask the Marquis de Sade) and most of us decided it wasn’t our cup of tea decades ago.
The funny thing is that bondage isn’t Fifty Shades’s heroine Anastasia Steele’s peccadillo either - she just complies for her lover Christian Grey.
So far, so old fashioned. My sense of things is that the truly aphrodisiacal quality of billionaire Grey is not his penchant for inflicting pain, but his money, power, helicopter and boyish good looks. Take all that away and no woman I know would acquiesce to his games.
So I don’t think for a second you’re a “spoilsport” for not wanting to go along with your husband’s desires. While some people welcome the chance to be submissive (it can be a relief to cede control in one area of your life), most prefer power to be evenly shared in the bedroom.
Apart from anything else, this type of lovemaking means you can’t caress or hold your beloved, which takes away half the point for many people.
It’s also hard to adopt a whole new sexual persona when you’ve been making love to the same person for two or three decades. What works in your imagination may well become ridiculous or unwelcome in real life.
I wonder how much your husband really wants to re-enact Fifty Shades (has he even read it?) or if his request is really motivated by the desire to try something new to revitalise your sex life.
Why don’t you sit your spouse down and tell him you prefer your pleasure unadulterated by pain, but are more than happy to try gentle experimentation. Something as simple as the use of a silk scarf as a blindfold can add a whole new sensual dimension to your erotic life.
It always seems to me that any measure that prevents two long-term lovers from catching eyes and bursting out laughing is a good idea. The Great British sense of humour can prove detrimental in the bedroom.
The main thing is that you find a compromise together. Sometimes it’s gracious not to issue an outraged “No!” to your partner when you can find a way of changing the terms of the question. - Daily Mail