QuestIon: My husband recently confessed to a brief affair when our children were small. This happened more than 30 years ago and I know I shouldn’t be upset, as I had a brief fling myself, which I’ve never told anyone about. I’m not sure why I feel so angry, as it’s a tiny blip in many years of happiness. How can I let the matter go?
Answer: On paper, you should take this on the chin — you and your husband have stepped outside your marriage so neither have the right to complain. But that’s not how the heart works.
Being unfaithful doesn’t make you invulnerable to pain. It tends to makes the wound worse. People who step outside their relationships are inclined to believe their circumstances are unique — but that facade comes crashing down when they unexpectedly find themselves vulnerable to betrayal.
So your hurt and anger seem perfectly natural. You believed your husband was the more steadfast of you both, but have discovered that was wrong.
You’ve also been feeling guilty about your own affair and now find you needn’t have done. I can’t help feeling you are asking the wrong question. What I want to know is why you haven’t divulged your secret? It would have been the natural moment to confess, apologise and move on.
Is it possible you’re revelling in a sense of grievance? Positions of power can be hard to relinquish, but when that position is based on untruths it can make you feel insecure.
Of course, it’s possible you believe your husband would be more wounded than you were by knowledge of an affair.
However, if the feeling of power strikes even a slight chord, I’d urge you to tell the truth. Isn’t it possible you will even feel closer for having both experienced human frailty?
Daily Mail