Cape Town - Giving birth to a child is something most women will do in their lifetime. But one woman says it’s just not for her.
Nerine Dorman, 34, married Thomas Dorman when she was 22. At the time, she thought she would wait until she was 28 to have children. When the time came, she thought perhaps she’d be ready at 30. Thirty rolled around and still, she wasn’t ready.
At this point, neither she nor her husband wanted children.
One of three children, Dorman was a “total surprise” when her mother discovered she was pregnant with her at 42. Her brother and sister have children, so there’s no pressure on Dorman to produce grandchildren.
“My mother kept telling me not to have children. She encouraged me to explore my music, writing and to travel,” she says.
Dorman works in the advertising industry, and writes and edits books. She also assists her husband who is a film-maker and photographer.
On weekends, the couple often leave at the crack of dawn for film shoots or other projects in remote locations, and return in the early hours of the next day.
She describes their lives as very chaotic, and adding a child into the mix would not work.
Many parents argue that people who choose not to have children are “missing out”.
“We sometimes discuss it. I do sometimes worry that I’m missing out. But people with children are also missing out,” says Dorman.
Watching her friends who have children, she sees what they go through. And it’s not for her. Many of her friends do not have time to do what they love any more, they don’t have time for themselves.
After a hard day’s work, she loves being able to go home and enjoy down-time, writing or editing books.
While the sight of newborn, cuddly babies may be enough to rouse maternal instincts in many women, it leaves Dorman feeling “weird”.
Many friends her age are raising children, but the fact that she has no interest in doing so herself, has not had any effect on her friendships.
Her friends’ children adore her. She also has a three-year-old godson. “If anything happens to his mom, I’m fully prepared to take him in.”
One of the motivators for her not having children is the fact that she’s not in the financial position to provide that which she was given by her parents.
What Dorman may consider is joining a Big Brother/Big Sister programme, or getting involved in an orphanage where if a connection is formed with a child, you can take them home over weekends.
“That way I’ll be giving something back. You can add value in someone’s life on your own terms.”
Dorman also dismisses the widely held fallacy that children will look after their parents when they’re old. If provisions for retirement are made while you’re young, there’s no need for that.
She is adamant her choice is the right one.
“It’s a difficult one, but I stand by my opinion that I’m not missing out.” - Cape Argus