A list of my least favourite things

'The reason the snail secretes this gel is so that it can regenerate itself or its shell, once it has been harmed.'

'The reason the snail secretes this gel is so that it can regenerate itself or its shell, once it has been harmed.'

Published Apr 27, 2015

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London – Hardly a day passes without a spurious new survey which lists our supposedly favourite things.

An example of this banality recently was one about what makes us most happy. Among the feel-good experiences were said to be fresh sheets and popping bubble wrap. Reading this idiotic list made me extremely depressed. You cannot reduce life to a catchphrase or a ranking like a best-buy at Morrison’s.

Experiences which bring us true pleasure are being with loved ones, enjoying warm weather, eating wonderful home-cooked food and just laughing uncontrollably. It’s not rocket science.

Surely a far more useful exercise is to list every aspect of modern life that makes us unhappy. Here’s my list of pet hates – which gets longer by the day:

TRENDY MEN WITH BUSHY BEARDS Is there anything less attractive than a man’s chin covered by a thick mat of hair? God forbid you get close enough to snog anyone sprouting a beard that makes them look like a Sixties folk singer or an extra from a remake of Moses.

SECRET FACE-LIFTS Every March, I encounter women whose faces look suspiciously taut, whose saggy chins have vanished and who have managed to eradicate the bags under their eyes. Although they put this good health down to a ‘wonderfully restful holiday’, the truth is they’ve had a face-lift.

NASTY LITTLE SACHETS The bane of B&Bs, cafes and hotels. What’s wrong with a pot of jam on the table?

 

VOUCHERS PAST USE-BY DATES As a dedicated bargain-hunter, it causes deep pain to discover at the till that my carefully-collected discount vouchers have expired.

ANYTHING CALLED ‘AN EXPERIENCE’ Shopping has become a pastime, like making raffia mats or embroidery, and addicts dignify this mindless activity by talking about the ‘experience’. Everything is an ‘experience’ these days, from a car wash to munching on a burger.

SLUGS, SNAILS, MICE Is there anything more soul-destroying than lovingly nurturing broad beans, peas and lettuces from seed, only to go away for the weekend and return to find they have been destroyed by these vile creatures.

DIETING CELEBRITIES Nothing makes me crosser than celebrities’ claims that any weight-loss is due to ‘eating healthily’. Nine times out of ten, they’ve been paid a huge sum of money to plug a diet plan or a food supplement.

CHEFS WHO THINK THEY’RE PICASSO Too many chefs fiddle with a decent meal and turn it into something that artist Tracey Emin would be proud of. For example, with chive and parmesan crisps carefully balanced like a propeller surrounded by drips of gravy. Yuk.

 

QUEUE-JUMPERS AT AIRPORTS After patiently waiting my turn, I could murder anyone who suddenly appears out of the blue and joins a ‘friend’ in the queue in front on me.

SUPERFOODS Sold at a premium price because we are so desperate to extend our lives by a month, that we want to stuff ourselves with goji berries, quinoa, purple sprouting broccoli, pink tomatoes and hideous kale. Funny how mom and dad were so thin and fit, without a single goji berry.

FAKE WORDS For example, air stewards talk of ‘de-planing’ (don’t they mean ‘disembarking’ or ‘getting off’)? Railway stations are described as ‘calling points’. I heard a radio reporter speak about Nigerians ‘jubilating’ after the country’s recent election. Phoney words started when ordinary people started being called ‘stake-holders’.

RE-SEALABLE BAGS OF RICE Whoever invented the ‘re-sealable’ bag for rice, nuts, pasta etc, I want to go around to their house and shout: ‘It doesn’t work!’

JUICERS The Devil’s gadgets. If God had meant us to live on green slime, he would have given us gills and no teeth. Part of the enjoyment of food is the textures and fibres. No one is going to reduce my breakfast to slurry in the name of an energy drink.

MIRACLE FACE/EYE CREAM The impossible dream - turning back time with a pot of gunk. Only a giant pleat pulled together at the back of my neck will get rid of the sagging jowls on my jawline. The cheapest solution is to talk a lot, so the loose flesh keeps moving and it either tightens up or it’s not so obvious.

PAYING BILLS ONLINE Having to remember all the ruddy passwords to log on to your account takes longer than writing an old-fashioned cheque and sticking it in an envelope.

SMALL TALK I’m useless at this, and am infuriated when check-out staff in the supermarket (ordered to do so by their boss) ask how I am. If wanted to talk to them, I’d open the conversation.

 

YORKSHIRE PUD FLOPS I am a decent cook, but I’ve never managed to make a Yorkshire pud that didn’t resemble an old shoe sole. And don’t bother writing in with your tips, I’ve tried them all.

GETTING MY NAME WRONG Don’t ever call me Janice! In America, I’m routinely called Miss Street or Mrs Porter. Sorry, I managed to marry a double-barrelled bloke, but that’s my name, so get over it.

ORIGAMI HOTEL TOWELS Is this a substitute for real cleaning - folding the ends of toilet paper into points and sticking the clean towels on the bed, turned into origami swans?

MEN AND SHOPPING LISTS What is it about men and supermarkets? Why do they have to go off-piste? Instead of getting the essentials you’ve carefully written down for them, they buy their own favourites: a nasty can of hot dogs, a huge pot of English mustard and a jumbo bag of crisps.

 

BABY CHAT OK, I haven’t had a baby, only four husbands - but I don’t go around flashing photos of them at people. Why should I be interested in someone’s new baby, unless they are directly related to me? Most babies look exactly the same anyway, just giant tadpoles in nappies.

PUBLIC EATING We’ve become a nation of scoffers totally unembarrassed about gorging while we walk, dropping chips and spraying crumbs as we chat on our mobile phones. Ugh!

 

TOILET ROLL TROLLS There’s nothing more annoying than someone who doesn’t replace a toilet roll.

BAD IMPERSONATORS OF ME About once a month, a member of the public comes up to me and announces that their teenage daughter does a really good impersonation of me and is thinking of a career on telly. Being confronted by an embarrassed 16-year-old with ginger hair attempting to mimic my accent is not remotely entertaining!

Daily Mail

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