Dublin - Coming out to your parents can be a daunting experience. Many people hesitate for years before disclosing they’re gay – and while some parents are supportive, reactions can be unpredictable.
“I know of teenagers who’ve been kicked out of home after they said they were gay,” says Toddy Hogan, co-ordinator of an Irish organisation working with lesbian and bisexual women. “There’s still huge prejudice and fear.”
Attitudes to homosexuality have improved, she says, but there’s still a long way to go: “We still have kids coming to us who’ve been thrown out of home and are reporting bullying at school by teachers and fellow students, so we cannot say society has evolved to a complete acceptance of homosexuality.”
Research shows that while many people know they’re gay by the age of 12, they may not come out until the age of 17 or 18 – and parents will respond in different ways.
“There are parents who think someone has twisted their child’s mind, or that the children have been influenced by their peers,” says Hogan.
“There can be a very strong reaction that ‘you cannot be one of them, it’s not normal, it’s a mental illness’,” she observes, adding that some parents will go into denial or express revulsion, shame, or anger – all of which can have a devastating effect on a teenager.
“There are plenty of horror stories, including those of parents who would have referred a child to the doctor or the priest for ‘a cure’,” says Dave Roche, manager of a gay NGO.
However, Hogan and Roche say many teenagers receive a supportive response, and that this is crucial. “Family support is very important. Kids who are supported by their family do much better than teenagers who are rejected – these kids are much more at risk of drug or alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts, depression, and self-harm,” says Hogan.
The research bears this out – statistics show that gay or bisexual children are up to seven times more likely to take their own life because of bullying and lack of self-esteem.
Psychotherapist Ciaran Nolan, who has a lot of gay clients, says there’s a “terrible fear” among young gay people that they will be rejected by their family.
“They fear being made to feel unwelcome in the home, or of being asked to leave; they fear being asked to keep this as a secret – a shameful family secret – and they’re worried that they will be treated differently to other siblings.”
Nolan, who came out to his parents at the age of 21, recalls the experience as a positive one: “I knew I was gay when I was 16. I told my mother when I was 21 – she was great about it and said she really only wanted me to be happy. My dad was fine with it also, and has been supportive all my life.”
His announcement didn’t come as a surprise, recalls Ciaran’s mother, Ann: “I think we always subconsciously knew he was gay,” she recalls.
“He was about 19 when I consciously acknowledged to myself that he was probably gay, so when he told me I wasn’t surprised. One day I came into the kitchen and noticed he was very nervous. He invited me to have a cup of tea with him, and then I knew it was coming.
“I took his hands and tried to put him at ease. I told him that whatever it was I would still love him. He said he was gay and I told him he wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. It went on from there and we have a most fantastic relationship.”
However, she recalls, later she cried because she was afraid of what he might face: “I was terrified something would happen to him. But that was 17 or 18 years ago, and things have definitely changed for the better.”
Stephen Wall, 30, came out twice. “I came out to my mother when I was 16. She never had a problem, she had loads of gay friends,” he recalls.
“Then, however, I started going with a girl when I was 17. That lasted for about five years.
“I had to come out again because I was in a relationship with a guy… Dad sent me an SMS back telling me he loved me no matter what. I felt he dealt with it well and my mother was very supportive.”
He appreciates their support: “I’ve seen a lot of parent/child relationships break down when the son tells them he’s gay – I know of one guy who rarely gets invited to family events because he’s very flamboyant and his family doesn’t like it.”
Sinead Hurley’s mom enquired if she was gay when she was about 17, but Sinead didn’t answer, although she’d known she was gay since the age of 14: “At the time I wasn’t comfortable talking about it to my parents. My mother knew it was something that I had to say in my own time, so she didn’t push further than that, but just said it was okay if I was,” says the 22-year-old.
“My dad was cool about it – there was no tension.”
It can be a shock for parents, says Roche – children have years to think about being gay, but the impact of a sudden revelation on parents can be huge: “You land it on your mom’s lap at breakfast time and expect her to have dealt with it by the time you come back from school in the evening.”
Mary (not her real name) was worried when her eldest daughter, then 18, disclosed she was gay: “One day I was filling the washing machine and she said she had something to tell me. I already knew what she was going to say.
“We just hugged each other and I said I didn’t know much about the gay world but that I was prepared to get informed.”
Secretly, however, she was sad.
“I was afraid for her. I was sad because I felt her dad would never walk her up the aisle, and she’d never have babies; there was a big feeling of loss. I was afraid people might look at her and point at her and call her names. I was very ignorant.”
However, after she attended a counselling session at a gay support group, her attitude changed: “The lady was excellent, she corrected all the wrong information I had, and I came away much happier.
“I also spoke to a Dominican priest about my fears about the sexual side of my daughter’s life, and he said to me that what happened in my daughter’s bedroom was none of my business. At that, I felt a burden lifting off my shoulders.
“None of my fears came true,” she says, adding that her daughter is due to marry her partner in a civil ceremony later this year.
However, Mary asked to remain anonymous “because there is still homophobia in society and we fear it would affect her career”.
Her daughter recalls: “I knew I was different from the age of seven, and by 12 I was putting a name on it. I kept it to myself for a long time. When I told my mom initially her reaction was to sit down and have a chat, and by the end of that conversation I knew that no matter what, she loved me.”
All we can hope is that as equality becomes more likely, attitudes become even more open. – Irish Independent
TIPS FOR PARENTS
* Put your child first; recognise the courage it took to tell you.
*Allow yourself time for the news to sink in.
*Avoid knee-jerk reactions like: “How do you know/are you sure/maybe it’s just a phase.”
*Reassure the child that your fundamental love for him/her does not change.
* If you’re holding negative thoughts explain that it’s a shock and that you need time to think.
*Don’t jump in being over-optimistic when you’re not feeling that way.
* Don’t assume you can discuss this information with someone else without your child’s permission.
*Allow your children the opportunity to approach you about their sexual orientation. Don’t force it. Don’t try to trap them into telling you something they’re not ready to say.
*Respect normal healthy boundaries – don’t ask personal questions you wouldn’t ask your straight child.
TIPS FOR TEENS
*Take your time. Don’t put yourself under pressure to tell a parent until you are sure about it.
*Never come out in anger – don’t use disclosure as a weapon.
*Think about whether you want to tell one parent at a time, both together or the family.
*Remember your parents need time to digest what you’re telling them. Don’t confuse this with rejection or judgement.
*Be prepared for questions like “who else have you told?” or “who else knows?”. Parents can sometimes feel hurt that you chose to confide first in someone else and that they aren’t the first to know.
*Get support for yourself – this might be from a friend you trust or through a support service.