Let conflict be your teacher

Clinical depression can, of course, be devastating and even fatal.

Clinical depression can, of course, be devastating and even fatal.

Published Aug 12, 2015

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Durban - I see many people in my practice who dislike conflicts greatly and try to avoid them at all cost.

But do they have to make you feel bad? Should you always feel that you need to avoid them? The answer is no. In this article you will learn to deal with conflicts and to solve them

Most people shy away from conflicting situations. The problem is when avoiding conflicts, we can develop anxiety, sleeping problems and depression because we are not solving those issues.

 

Behaviours people use when confronted with a conflict include:

1. Withdrawing/avoiding: staying away from issues and people that can cause problems and conflict.

2. Competing/forcing: being overpowering and forcing others to accept your point of view.

3. Accommodating/smoothing: wanting to be liked and keeping the peace so that no one feels hurt.

4. Compromising/sharing: seeking solutions where both sides give up parts of their goals.

5. Collaborating/problem-solving: trying to resolve conflicts in a way that both sides are happy and can achieve their goals.

Which one do you choose? Is it the best way to solve your conflicts? If not, have you asked yourself why you are avoiding conflicts or feeling irritated and angry in conflicting situations?

 

These behaviours can lead to negative outcomes and might not get you what you want out of the situation:

1. Withdrawing: this might mean that you give up personal goals and relationships.

2. Competing: others will shy away from you as you are too forceful.

3. Accommodating: you will not achieve your own goals and have self-respect as you put others first.

4. Compromising: not achieving the goals completely.

 

A conflict is a situation when the interests, needs, goals or values of involved parties interfere with one another. It is common to be forced into conflicting situations as people see things differently. People may have different priorities. Conflicts may involve team and family members or organisation’s needs vs personal needs. Often, a conflict is a result of perception of a person that is closely related to an emotion and a belief.

The question is: Is conflict a bad thing? Not necessarily. Often, a conflict presents opportunities for improvement and personal growth. Therefore, it is important to understand and apply conflict resolution techniques such as:

 

Win-Win

Also known as problem-confronting or problem-solving. This involves an attempt to work with the other person to find a win-win solution to the problem on hand – the one that most satisfies the concerns of both parties. It includes identifying the underlying concerns of the opponents and finding an alternative which meets each party’s concerns.

 

Examples of when collaborating may be appropriate:

* When consensus and commitment of other parties is important.

* In a collaborative environment.

* When a high level of trust is present.

* When a long-term relationship is important.

* When you need to work through hard feelings, animosity, etc.

* When you don’t want to have full responsibility.

 

Compromising

Compromising looks for a mutually acceptable solution, which partially satisfies everyone.

Examples of when compromise may be appropriate:

* When goals are moderately important and not worth the use of more assertive or more involving approaches, such as forcing or collaborating.

 

Smoothing

Also known as accommodating. Smoothing is accommodating the concerns of other people first, rather than one’s own concerns.

Examples of when smoothing may be appropriate:

* When it is important to provide temporary relief from the conflict or buy time until you are in a better position to respond/push back.

* When the issue is not as important to you as it is to the other person.

* When you accept that you are wrong.

* When you have no choice or when continued competition would be detrimental.

In a conflicting situation we need to make sure that we stay calm and assertive.

Assertiveness means that we respect ourselves and the other person. If the other person is very upset, allow him to vent first. This will take the steam out of things.

As a second step, show the other person that you understood the point that was made. This does not mean that you agree with him, but you signal to him that you understand the frustration and irritation he is going through.

This will help him to feel that you understand him and will calm him down. As a last step, you can either agree that there has been a mistake made and it will not happen again or, if no mistake was made, you can try to find a solution to the problem to avoid any further unhappiness.

Those steps work very well in most situations. You need to be aware of how you feel about the conflicting topic.

If you feel strongly about it, use the above-mentioned techniques to get to a solution. If you do not feel strongly about the conflicting situation it is sometimes wise to walk away and leave the situation behind.

 

* www.eqadvantedge.co.za.

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