QUESTION: My daughter has fallen in love with a very unsuitable man who, I fear, belongs to a cult.
She gives him her salary every week and I think he gives most of it to this cult's leader. She is now talking of moving to India with this man, and I am worried that I may never see her again.
husband and I are thinking of trying to employ someone to kidnap her so she can be brainwashed back again - because I feel sure that is her problem. Despite everything we say, she insists that she wants to stay with this man and take on his beliefs. I am desperate. What else could we do?
Yours sincerely, Fiona
ANSWER: I can understand why you feel so very distressed about your daughter's involvement with this man and this cult, if indeed it is one. The problem is that she is an adult and in thrall to a man - and who knows, it may be real love. He may give her everything she needs.
However, even if she has actually been brainwashed, as you suspect, I do think that your kidnapping wheeze would be a mad, if not illegal, idea. First, I would look up the name of the group on the internet and get in touch with the many other people in the same position as you. You may find that these friends and relations of other cult members have formed groups and meetings that you can go to, and you can discuss strategies with them - and perhaps join one of the groups that exist to fight cults such as the ones you think your daughter has joined.
Then you must find out everything you can about the cult. What are its beliefs? Who runs it? How many adherents are there? What is the address in India? Is it actually a cult or is just a harmless group of people with non-threatening beliefs?
Assuming it is a cult, remember that they flourish on two things: conflict and money. They can deal with furious letters. They can deal with wailing and gnashing of teeth. They can deal with kidnappers and threats. Not only can they deal with it, but they thrive on it. They can't exist as a cult without being partly defined by a barrage of anguish and disapproval from outside. Your threats are meat and drink to them.
It will be much harder for them to deal with sympathy, kindness and love. I would write to your daughter saying that you are so glad she has found happiness. Ask to know more about the organisation and wish her well. Tell her you will always love her, and keep up the barrage of affectionate and approving letters non-stop, not only so that she knows you're always there whenever she needs you, but also so that she find it harder to cut you out of her life completely. Yes, you'll have to lie a bit when you express enthusiasm for the life she's chosen. But they're lying at their end. Use every strategy to keep in touch.
Secondly, always keep the idea of money alive - promises that you might give her money, talk of inheritances, even giving her a bit now and again. Cults are incredibly greedy and they will never cut you off if they imagine that you're a source of cash.
Apart from that, I wish you well. Many children do, remember, step into cults at a point in their lives, only to step out of them some years later. It's a stage. A very unhappy stage, but possibly one that won't last for ever.
The Independent