QUESTION: I’m 50, and I’ve just got a new boss, a man of 30.
I’ve been in the same job for years without any problems, and I get on with everyone, but this man appears to be picking on me. His emails are cold and formal, and he never says good morning to me when he arrives, though he greets other people.
I’ve tried to help him understand various ways that the office works, since I’ve been here the longest, as unobtrusively as possible, but he brushes me aside. If I make any suggestions, he doesn’t even respond. What can I do?
Patricia
ANSWER: There are two possibilities here. The first is that he is making a deliberate effort to freeze you out. He’s a new broom, who wants to sweep the place clean, and if he can’t do it by being cool and stand-offish with you, his next move will be to criticise every little thing that you do in order to finds grounds for dismissing you. In this case, it’s time for the diaries, the records and getting other members of staff to back you up when you feel slighted, so it won’t just be his word against yours.
The other possibility, however, is that you remind him of his mother. I’m sure you’ll think I’m being ridiculous in going down what you might think is a counselling-speak route, but many young men of his age can feel immensely threatened by an older woman at work. He’s barely out of short trousers (or feels he is) and has just stepped into a position of responsibility - and blow me, he’s faced with a charming but mother-hen-like woman (you) who, by constantly bending over him and pointing out little things to him, and saying: “Actually, dear, we do it this way”, reminds him instantly of his old mom saying: “Now remember to check your car insurance is up to date… don’t leave your bike out all night – it might get stolen … If you left your dirty shirts in the basket rather letting them pile up in your room, then I might have a chance to wash them for you.” He’s made to feel infantile all over again.
For the next few months, I would drop all efforts to induct him into the way of the office. Change your tack entirely. Say, rather: “Do let me know how you want things to be from now on, because you’re obviously going to want to make changes.” Even better, say nothing and simply wait for him to ask, if he wants to know anything.
If he does make any changes, don’t pat him on the head with a “Well done! You are clever! I think that’s a very good idea!”, which reminds him of his mother’s reaction to the finger-painting he brought back from primary school. Instead, talk to him more as an equal. Say: “Thank God you’ve changed that. It was driving us all mad.”
It won’t be easy. Once he’s got it into his head that you’re a mother figure, you only have to stand or smile in a way that reminds him of his old mom and he’ll feed patronised and irritated. But, by giving him completely free rein and distancing yourself from him before he can distance himself from you, you can make him feel powerful and secure once more.
He won’t realise that you are, in fact, by giving him his space and letting him fly unaided, behaving like the perfect mother.
The Independent
Virginia’s latest book is Yes! I Can Manage Thank You!(Quercus)