Durban - There’s no shortage of idiots around at this time of the year. Although the festive season only really started kicking in around December 16, most of our brains go on holiday at least two weeks before that.
It’s as if suddenly with the arrival of December we no longer know how to drive, exercise caution and restraint or act rationally in a shopping mall. It’s what I like to call general festive mayhem or GFM.
What makes people lose their minds in December is still unclear. Some blame the relentless piping of Boney M music through the corridors of retail outlets, others have suggested that the moment the Christmas tree goes up at work it triggers the looney cells in the brain which encourage us to drink excessively, argue with relatives about nothing, max out the credit cards and ignore traffic laws.
Let’s talk about the traffic bit for a moment. In the past week alone I’ve almost been killed 15 times on the road. Bear in mind it’s not even Christmas yet. And no, I’m not exaggerating.
I find that even the most skill-deficient drivers take more chances than normal in December. I’m talking about jumping red lights, illegal U-turns into oncoming traffic and driving through traffic circles without yielding. Although traffic circles and four-way stops in general are things we have never quite figured out in Durban. Most Durban drivers just wing it and hope for the best.
Another annoying thing that happens more often at this time of the year on the road is people honking their horns in anger at you for no solid reason. Like when you’re at the robots and the light just turns green and the asshole behind you is hooting because you’ve taken a millisecond too long to move. I sometimes fantasise about switching off my car at that moment to teach the idiot a lesson in patience.
But patience is something we’re desperately short of at this time of the year. Everyone is on edge, driving like maniacs trying to get to Makro for some reason. Yes, Makro, where we are determined to buy everything we saw in the catalogue – in bulk.
And Makro cannot wait, that trip must happen immediately, it’s a matter of life and death, like a wildebeest migration across the Serengeti.
Those of us lucky enough to have earned a bonus or 13th cheque this year are determined to make sure there is nothing left of it come January 2.
The rational thing to do upon receiving your bonus is to clear existing credit card debt or personal loans, finance experts advise us. But there’s no fun in that. That would be way too much of a responsible thing to do during the festive season.
Instead we splurge, because it’s a happy time and that’s what you’re supposed to do in a happy time. Big-screen TVs seem to be the number one impulse purchase at this time of the year.
It doesn’t matter that you bought a TV last year and the year before. You don’t stop until every room in the house has one at least. And even when every room has a TV you start to wonder whether that 32-inch LED on special at Game will fit nicely on your bathroom wall.
Then there’s the spending you do and you don’t know where the money’s gone, the eating out, day trips to the beach and mindless driving all over the place.
The days seem to play out mostly the same. You jostle for parking, queue to get into restaurants, get bad service and then pay an arm and a leg for it. Then repeat.
No one ever discourages you from over-spending in December. Your friends and family egg you on and you certainly don’t see Mastercard and Visa putting out adverts saying “slow down, dummy, you’re going to have to pay it all back in January”.
January seems like a long way away when you’re soaking up the festive fun. January is something you deal with when it comes. And boy does it come fast.
As fast as those decorations in shop windows go up, they come down and then it’s the reality of bills, school uniforms, credit card payments and all the other un-fun things associated with the world post-January 1.
I always thought a reality show about people holding on until that first payday in January would be quite interesting to watch. It truly is the ultimate test of endurance for the modern urban homo sapiens. But let me not be the bearer of doom and gloom.
Whatever you end up doing this festive season, be safe and, most important, stay calm.
Twitter: @masoodboomgaard
Sunday Tribune