QUESTION: I'm having a 40th birthday dinner but because of my desired venue, I can't ask more than 20 friends.
I want it to be special because my own mother died when she was 39. So, though for most people 40 is “just another birthday”, it's really special to me.
There are at least 30 people. I'd like to invite but I can't fit them all in. The problem is that I know a couple of them will be extremely offended and hurt if I don't ask them. Can you think of any way I can get round this, so that they won't be upset? Unfortunately, I don't think I can keep it secret.
Yours sincerely,
Willa
ANSWER: here is no easy answer to this. You could, of course, try asking all 30 of your friends a week before the dinner, in the hope that some won't be able to come at such short notice. But that's risky.
It's worth knowing, however, that professional party hostesses estimate that, on the whole, 33 percent of the guests you ask can't come because of previous engagements, and of those 66 percent who can, there is usually a 10 percent drop-out on the actual day because of illness. But you can't, of course, rely on those figures.
You could find out when the friends you don't want to come are going to be away, and make your dinner on that date - or you could hold your dinner on a public holiday, assuming that most of your friends will be off doing something else.
But these ideas don't address the real problem. And I have to say that I don't really like the idea of your organising anything that will, inevitably, hurt some of your friends deeply. Is this really a good way to celebrate a special birthday? Is this what your mother would have done, had she reached 40 - given a party that was guaranteed to make some of her best friends feel second best and dismissed as not good enough to be among the special few?
In other words: aren't you being a bit selfish about your birthday celebrations? What is this “special venue” you cherish so much? If it's absolutely essential that you hold your party there, what about having a much smaller party for family only - with no best friends at all? Or you could split it and have two parties of 15 people each.
That way you stop anyone feeling hurt - as long as you're careful enough to make it clear there is no A-list and B-list party. Or, if you want a bigger party for everyone else, for heaven's sake, take them all out to a cheap and cheerful Nando's, and ask 50 people instead of 30. Who cares where it's held? It's a celebration that is meant to be full of fun, love and laughter - not some kind of exclusive club that involves any close friends tapping on the window like abandoned match girls. And remember: this hurt you might inflict won't blow over. The spurned friends will always remember the way you treated them, even years on.
There's a current emphasis on everyone getting what they want, and forget everyone else. It's a “me me me” attitude. But your mother wasn't of this generation. Have a party that honours your mother and open up the invitation list to include everyone. After all, how would you feel if your best friend were to celebrate a special birthday and leave you out because there was no space?
Not too hot, I bet.
The Independent