Your guide to Christmas relatives

Picture: Cara Viereckl

Picture: Cara Viereckl

Published Dec 19, 2011

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Work is a great place to avoid your family for eight hours every day. But now that it’s Christmas, you’re going to have to spend a lot more time with them. Masood Boomgaard walks you through the characters you’ll encounter over Christmas lunch.

The Vintage Killjoy

There is always that granddad who has been alive longer than he’s supposed to, and who will ruin the mood of Christmas morning with his depression-era stories. It’s almost as if Grandpa Killjoy is offended by the sight of people enjoying themselves and is peeved when he sees kids opening their presents.

He is usually quick to point out how he didn’t have toys as a child and had to play with dirt instead. My granddad’s favourite story was: “You kids of today are spoilt. You just wake up on Christmas morning and find presents waiting for you. When I was a little boy my parents were too poor to buy Christmas presents so what my brothers and sisters used to do (all 32 of us), is imagine there to be presents under the imaginary Christmas tree. And then we would pretend to be playing with the imaginary toys all morning. And after the first World War it was even too expensive to imagine because of the Great Depression so we just stood in the soup line all day, every day.”

The Drunk Uncle

This guy’s sole purpose is to cause havoc at family gatherings. When he is “on” there is no way of telling what he could possibly say or do. Generally, every family has a drunk uncle who has said and done it all. Our family’s drunk uncle once used the occasion of his daughter’s wedding to announce he was divorcing his wife, before changing his mind and saying that he wanted to renew his vows. He passed out a few minutes later. The funny thing about drunk uncles is that they keep being invited to family functions in spite of everything they may have done.

There are two possible explanations for this. One, the time between gatherings is so long that the shock of what drunk uncle did at the last wedding has subsided by the time the next wedding takes place. The other possible reason why drunk uncle always cracks an invite is because he is viewed as backup entertainment in case the band/magician/clown is crap.

The drunk uncle is not an alcoholic. He is just an ordinary friendly guy who becomes an animal when booze enters his bloodstream. Drunk uncles are usually married to quiet, timid women who can do nothing but blush with embarrassment every time they go off their rockers.

Mr Big Bucks

From the moment he enters the door this relative is shooting his mouth off about how good business is. Mr Big Bucks is usually involved in some obscure business which has brought him reasonable success. However, in his mind, he is Steve Jobs, changing the world. If you get stuck next to Mr Big Bucks at the table you’re in for a long night. He has an endless selection of anecdotes from the exciting world of corrugated iron roofing to share with you. He will also tell you about how clever he is and how he has outsmarted his rivals, the CCMA and the taxman.

Mr Flash

The real reason Mr Big Bucks talks so much is because he is intimidated by Mr Flash, the relative from Joburg who has ridiculous amounts of money. Mr Big Bucks wants to be Mr Flash but is not quite in his league. Mr Flash doesn’t need to talk about how much money he has – it’s obvious by the Breitling on his wrist, the Armani label on his underwear purposely displayed over the top of his jeans and the Lamborghini he blocked your driveway with. Mr Flash may not talk about his cash but he carries himself with a “I don’t give a damn about any of you peasants” attitude. He will take calls at the dinner table and during the toast and will rudely brush off anyone he doesn’t deem worthy of talking to. He’s an asshole but he always brings a supermodel with him to Christmas lunch and that makes us smile.

The Marriage Police

Usually aunties or grannies, these are the folks that have no other mission but to get every single person in the family married. From the moment you arrive, you are harassed by these individuals who usually know of someone who is “just perfect for you”.

On one night the marriage police can remind you up to 40 times about how you should be settling down. It’s almost as if they’re getting commission from the government for every person they convince to get married. Then, of course, there is that one crazy cousin who wants you to get married so that there’s a bachelor party to go to.

The Golden Gossip Girl

She’s the aunt who knows everything about everyone’s life and shares it with, well, everyone. She knows stuff before it actually happens. Our family’s GGG told everyone last Christmas that Uncle Chris and Aunt Megan were getting a divorce. A year later they did. The Golden Gossip Girl doesn’t give a rat’s ass about who overhears her – she will pass on gossip about someone while they’re sitting at the same table. You know you’re about to hear gossip when she begins a sentence with, “you didn’t hear it from me but…” or “I don’t like to gossip but did you hear that…”

The Brat

There is always that one demonic kid who runs around the host’s house screaming and yelling and breaking stuff. Everyone fantasises about seeing him run into a glass door or brick wall. No matter how annoying or out of hand the kid gets, everyone just has to smile and bear the antics of the little bastard because it’s usually some cousin’s little angel and nobody wants to say anything for fear of causing tensions.

The Chinker

This person finds no greater pleasure than chinking their glasses with everyone for absolutely any reason. “I need to go pee. Let’s toast to peeing”, “Granny’s choking on a chicken bone. Let’s toast to granny choking”, and “We just toasted. Let’s toast to toasting” are not uncommon phrases from The Chinker. More glasses will be broken by The Chinker at Christmas than during the rest of the year combined.

The Family Slut

She finds great pleasure in dressing up for the Christmas lunch as Slutty Santa. The problem is that she’s being doing it since she was 16, but now that she’s 68 it’s lost its appeal.

The Alcoholic

Similar to the Drunk Uncle, alcohol is this man’s best friend. But while the Drunk Uncle can be fun and playful, the Alcoholic just sits in the corner drooling on your new couch and occasionally shouting profanities at your pets. “F*&%^ng horse,” he said to our poodle, Frikkie, one year. - Sunday Tribune

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