London - Two words frequently seen together in newspapers are “doctors” and “warn”.
“Doctors warn of mobile phone elbow!” “Doctors warn eating vegetables may cause cancer!” “Doctors warn coloured contacted lenses are bad for your health!”
In fact, one of the few aspects of modern life of which doctors have yet to warn us is the doctor’s warning.
Their most recent alert came earlier this week. “Doctors have warned that wearing too-tight trousers could seriously damage your health,” ran the report.
Apparently, the Journal Of Neurology, Neurosurgery And Psychiatry had come across a case of a 35-year-old woman who spent four days in hospital “after her skinny jeans caused her to collapse in agony”.
The unfortunate woman had, it emerged, been helping someone move house. Squatting beside cupboards for protracted periods, she found that her skinny jeans grew increasingly uncomfortable as the day wore on.
By the end of the day, she found it hard to walk. Then she was unable to move her ankles or toes, and her feet and lower legs went numb.
Researchers at the Royal Adelaide Hospital sounded the alarm. “The present case represents a new neurological complication of wearing tight jeans,” they said.
Who would have thought a pair of skinny jeans could prove so treacherous?
But before you join the mad rush to change your skinny jeans for something more spacious, you should be aware that in a few months, there is bound to be a panicky headline saying, “Doctors warn against flabby jeans”.
Underneath, a shocking report from an obscure medical journal will tell of how a woman on holiday was propelled over a cliff after a sudden gust of wind whooshed up her wide, airy trouser legs and propelled her headlong out to sea.
Even the most sombre newspapers cannot resist the allure of the medical horror story, particularly when it centres on something previously regarded as entirely safe.
If you type the words “bad for your health” into the search engine of The Guardian, up pop no fewer than 1 440 headlines, ranging from the glaringly obvious, “Is stress bad for your health?” (May 2015), to the unlikely: “Open-plan offices can be bad for your health” (September 2014).
Others include: “Is boredom bad for your health?” (August 2014); “Sitting down is really bad for your health” (January 2015); “Why is Manchester so bad for your health?” (November 2002); and “Reading a light-emitting book before bed is bad for your health” (December 2014).
Small wonder that there is another headline on offer, saying: “News is bad for your health” (April 2013).
Upsetting news for just about everyone in the world, then, but particularly bad for sedentary, bored Mancunians who like to read the news on their Kindles before bedtime.
And so the list goes on: “A life of crime is bad for your health” (February 2012); “Modern music can be bad for your health” (May 2003); “Are bras bad for your health?” (October 2000); and “Are fitness trackers bad for your health?” (May 2015).
Some health scares hardly come as a surprise. These include: “Drinking large amounts of cola is bad for your health” (May 2009); “A cold home is bad for your health” (August 2014); and “Job insecurity is bad for your health” (December 2008).
However, the best kind of health scare always revolves around things previously considered entirely wholesome and reassuring, a bit like being bitten in the neck by a teddy bear.
“Originally hailed as wonderful, soya can be bad for your health” (November 2004); “Tidy house? Pristine walls? Polished wooden floors? Be warned - they all might be bad for your health” (February 2012); and “Are barbecues seriously bad for your health?” (July 2003).
Guardian readers need not feel alone. Readers of the Daily Mail may also find themselves reeling back in horror from even the cosiest activities.
“Eating vegetables can seriously damage your health” (February 2002); “Scientists reveal how falling in love can seriously damage your health” (August 2007); “Keeping up with the Joneses can seriously damage your health” (February 2012); “Looking forward to your Saturday lie-in? Careful, it may be a health hazard” (January 2015).
And - my favourite - “How going out of your way to help others can seriously damage your health” (September 2009).
I suspect we all secretly relish the idea that there is nothing in this world - skinny jeans, tidying up, barbecues, vegetables - that will not rear up and go: “Boo!”
We are all hypochondriacs, to a greater or lesser extent, which at least means that bad news will always be good news.
As usual, my favourite comedian, Tim Vine, hits the nail on the head: “So I went to the doctor and he said: ‘You’ve got hypochondria.’ I said: ‘Not that as well!’”
Daily Mail