Mr Loophole's the lawyer who gets stars off motoring charges - but can you tell his excuses from the equally daft ones we've made up?
Nick Freeman is the millionaire lawyer known as Mr Loophole thanks to his astonishing ability to get celebrities off driving offences with the most extraordinary explanations or technicalities.
But last week he suffered a rare defeat when representing Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding, who was accused of using a mobile phone while driving and failing to stop for police.
Freeman told Highbury Magistrates Court that depriving Harding of her licence would be unfair since she was too famous to take the bus. But District Judge Nina Tempia was having none of it, saying: “Pay someone to drive you.”
Other judges, however, have been convinced by the merits of Freeman’s pleas on behalf of his clients, however outlandish.
Here, David Thomas presents some of his most high-profile clients and cases, but can you spot which was the real argument Freeman used, and which are our inventions?
Jimmy Carr
The case: In 2009, the comedian - who has been represented by Freeman in three separate driving charges - was alleged to have used a mobile phone while driving his Bentley through Harrow, North-West London. Carr was cleared. So what had Freeman argued?
(a) Carr’s accountant had just rung, warning him that if he didn’t find a way of shifting his tour receipts out of the country he might actually have to pay some tax. He felt obliged to take the call.
(b) Carr was only pretending to make a telephone call to stop fans coming up to him at red lights and trying to talk to him.
(c) Carr was not making a telephone call. He was actually using his iPhone to dictate an idea for a joke and dictating into a phone is not illegal.
Colin Montgomerie
The case: Another three-time client of Freeman’s, the heavyweight golfer escaped a possible 56-day ban in June 2010, having been fined £60 (R840) for driving his Bentley Continental Flying Spur at 112km/h in a 64km/h zone of the A3 in South-West London, then failing to pay the penalty on time.
How did Freeman persuade the court to let Monty keep driving?
(a) Monty has a medical condition that requires him to eat twice as often as other people and so has to travel by car because the buffet trolleys are apt to run out on trains.
(b) Monty is scared of flying and is thus obliged to drive from his home in Scotland to Surrey just to see his and ex-wife Eimear’s three children.
(c) Monty cannot fly because he’s always harassed in the departure lounge by sports fans asking him why he’s never won a single golf Major.
Ronnie O’Sullivan
The case: In 2007, Freeman successfully defended snooker star O’Sullivan, who was accused of failing to provide police with a urine sample when suspected of drink driving. In a bizarre, twice-heard case, which of these arguments did Freeman NOT employ:
(a) The trial should be stopped because the magistrate was winking at a journalist, to which the magistrate replied: “Do you think I’m gay or something?”
(b) Police had not followed proper procedure because one of the arresting officers asked O’Sullivan for an autograph.
(c) O’Sullivan could not provide a sample because his well-known depressive disorder meant that he was too stressed to pee.
David Beckham
The case: In 1999, Becks was given an eight-month ban, having been caught driving his Ferrari at 122km/h in an 80km/h zone in Wilmslow, Cheshire. Freeman successfully appealed the verdict. The reason:
(a) Becks was suffering severe emotional trauma, having recently been hit by a football boot kicked by Sir Alex Ferguson and thus had no idea of his speed.
(b) Becks was ‘petrified’ having been chased for ten miles from his Alderley Edge home by a paparazzo.
(c) He was hurrying home because his wife Victoria had a Spice Girls concert in Manchester and he was on babysitting duties with his newborn son Brooklyn.
Sir Alex Ferguson
The case: In 1999, Beckham’s then-manager also had cause to be grateful for Freeman’s services, having been caught avoiding a motorway traffic jam by driving down the hard shoulder. Freeman successfully argued that Fergie had a good reason for doing so, to wit:
(a) He was desperately trying to catch up with the Man United team coach, which had accidentally left without him, en route to a vital Premier League fixture.
(b) He had a stomach upset, feared he was about to be caught short and was frantically trying to get to the toilet at Manchester United’s training ground.
(c) He’d been chased by a car sporting Manchester City flags and driven by fans making obscene gestures, and, as an elderly man driving on his own, feared for his personal safety.
Jeremy Clarkson
The case: In October 2006, an Alfa Romeo that had been loaned to the Top Gear presenter was snapped doing 131km/h in an 80km/h zone in Ruislip, West London. Freeman had the case dropped within a matter of minutes. What was his winning argument?
(a) Alfa Romeo, to whom the ticket was issued, passed it on to Clarkson because he had been loaned the car. But all Alfa knew was that Clarkson had borrowed the car - they had no proof he’d been driving it.
(b) The driver could have been any one of the Top Gear team. And if it had been Richard Hammond he would have been too small to be spotted by a speed camera, anyway.
(c) It was a matter of deep personal principle. Clarkson had just overtaken a bus because he believes that: “Poor people just don’t need to get anywhere quicker than I do.”
Andrew Flintoff
The case: The England cricketer was alleged to have been driving at 139km/h in a temporary 80km/h zone on the M62. Yet the case against him at Liverpool Magistrates Court collapsed in less than a minute. Did Freeman say that:
(a) As a Test cricketer, Flintoff had such pin-sharp eyesight and fast reflexes that there was no danger in driving at speeds that might be hazardous for average men and women with normal reaction times.
(b) Flintoff regularly bowled at 139km/h so he simply did not perceive that speed as being particularly fast, and was thus unaware that he was breaking the limit.
(c) The authorities were simply too slow and the prosecution notice was received by Flintoff 16 days after the alleged offence, when the law says it has to be issued in 14 days.
Joe Cole
The case: In 2010, England footballer Joe Cole escaped an automatic six-month ban despite being caught driving at 168km/h on the A3 in Surrey. Freeman had the punishment cut to a £750 (R10 500) fine and a 50-day ban, which was immediately suspended when Freeman said that he would appeal the verdict. So did he argue that:
(a) Cole had to be able to drive, since his wife Carly Zucker had been traumatised by a recent carjacking, could no longer drive herself and was, yes, too famous to use public transport.
(b) Cole was unaware of the speed he was doing because Carly had gone into hysterics after breaking a heel on her Louboutins and he was on a mercy dash to the cobblers.
(c) Injury-prone Cole had just been passed fit by a top Harley Street doctor and he was rushing to tell his manager the good news before he crocked himself again.
Ian Brown
The case: In October 2011, the Stone Roses singer was clocked doing 168km/h in his luxury Lexus on the M6. He was fined £650 (R9100) and given six penalty points, but escaped a ban thanks to Freeman’s explanation that Brown needed his car because:
(a) It was the only way of getting to the top-secret location where the Stone Roses were rehearsing for a series of comeback concerts.
(b) Brown’s unfair reputation for riotous, rock star behaviour meant that he was already banned from virtually all forms of public transport and air travel.
(c) Brown hated taking public transport because fans of other bands constantly made fun of the fact that he has a more than passing resemblance to a monkey.
AND ONE THAT GOT AWAY . . .
Caprice Bourret
The case: In August 2006, former supermodel Caprice was given a 12-month ban for drink-driving, despite Freeman’s attempt to convince the court that she had not really been consuming alcohol. Did he claim:
(a) Caprice had been intoxicated by painkillers used to ease the agonising complications caused by recent surgery.
(b) Caprice had been dazed by anti-depressants taken to ease the emotional pain caused by cruel, untrue rumours that her looks were the result of extensive plastic surgery.
(c) Caprice had been taking drugs for a urinary tract infection that had given her ‘alcohol halitosis’, creating a false impression that she had been drinking.
THE ANSWERS:
Jimmy Carr (c); Colin Montgomerie (b); Ronnie O’Sullivan (b); David Beckham (b); Sir Alex Ferguson (b); Jeremy Clarkson (a); Andrew Flintoff (c); Joe Cole (a); Ian Brown (a); Caprice Bourret (c)
-Daily Mail