I've met Chuck Norris's 4x4 and over the years I've driven my share of bakkies and SUVs that claim to be the "ultimate 4x4" but, after driving the new Mercedes-Benz Unimog U5000 recently launched in South Africa it's the vehicle that all other offroaders should call "Sir".
Climbing into this hulk for the first time, I felt a certain sense of occasion due to its legendary turf-taming reputation but I was also a little worried that, as with many an over-hyped product, the bite might not quite match the bark.
My concern was unfounded: the Unimog blew my socks off.
Ferdi de Beer is the bloke who personally demonstrates the Unimog to prospective South African customers and he was my co-pilot for the day.
My lack of a C1 licence (Code 10 in the old-speak) - which is required to drive a Unimog - meant Ferdi had to take the helm for the drive from Merc's Pretoria head office to the Gerotek test centre near Pelindaba but it was just as well as there was plenty to learn in this vehicle.
It has has a cockpit approximating that of Captain Kirk's Starship Enterprise with switches and gear levers everywhere.
When we got off the public roads and I finally got behind the wheel it took some time to get used to the Unimog's sheer size. You also sit very high on a spring-loaded seat that cushions your butt when driving on bumpy turf - OK, I admit that's not very Chuck Norris, but who says being tough means you have to be uncomfortable?
You're kept very busy driving because the Unimog has eight forward speeds and six reverse. Yes, six.
First order of business was to take this mega Merc through the standard off-road course we use to test all 4x4's and the vehicle ate it all for breakfast. So we went looking for something more challenging and found some really large concrete steps - around 70cm high - but the big Benz, with its amazing ground clearance, simply cruised over these without scraping anything.
This meant only one thing: it was time to finally tackle Gerotek's 100% (45 degree) gradient which I'd never had the guts to try before.
Once again the Unimog took this in its stride; in low range, it cruised up easily at half-throttle and went safely down the same scary slope again at a crawl using only engine braking - at an angle so steep I wanted to brace my legs against the fascia.
So, if ever you see any vehicle claiming to be the "ultimate" 4x4, ignore it. The Unimog is the boss.
SO WHO'D BUY ONE?
It does have drawbacks, however. One is that you need a code 10 licence to drive it and it's governed to a top speed of 90km/h so you won't get anywhere in a great hurry (though a little bird tells me the speed limiter can be "fixed" if you twist the dealer's arm).
So, apart from Mr Norris, who'd buy one? It'll make a great workhorse for fire stations, tour operators, and off-road ambulances, not to mention okes who have major boats to pull and need something that won't bog down on the beach.
The Unimog can tow up to 10 tons.
The body's mounted on a flexible ladder-type frame for high rigidity on the road and great torsional flexibility off-road and it has alla-wheel drive with a differential lock on both axles, and low range but it's the nearly half-metre ride height that makes this truly the king of off-roaders.
With its excellent approach angle of 44° and departure angle of 51°, and a slope-climbing ability of up to 100% together with a fording ability depth of 1.2m (special seals prevent water or fine, drifting sand from seeping in), the Unimog will get weekend adventurers or rescue vehicles to the ends of the earth. And there's a 160-litre fuel tank to match the considerable thirst.
TWO BASIC VERSIONS
The neatest trick is its on-the-move ability to vary the tyre pressures to suit the surface. All you have to do is press a button on the fascia.
The Unimog sells here in two basic versions, the U4000 and U5000, powered by a choice of turbodiesel engines of which the flagship version produces 160kW and a mighty 810Nm of torque. They have 30 000km service intervals.
Single- and double-cab versions are available but Unimogs can be customised to your own specification by TFM, the accredited Mercedes-Benz bodybuilder.
The basic price for a U4000 chassis cab is around R1.2-million, and the order takes up to six months from confirmation.