Simamkele Dlakavu wonders if we can build sincere and authentic interpersonal racial relations in SA.
In our discussions of race in South Africa, a lot of the focus rightly tends to be on racialised inequalities in the social and economic sense. This is not suprising when we look at how, for the most part, poverty still carries a largely “black face” and so much wealth is still largely resting in the hands of white South Africans.
However because of these inequalities between the racial groups and classes in South Africa, there has been an insufficiently explored area, that being race within the space of interpersonal relationships, from friendships to romantic relationships.
A recent incident on social media involving a black woman and a clash with her white friends left me wondering if we can ever build authentic and sincere interpersonal racial relations in South Africa in the midst of all the racial baggage that saturates our daily lives.
Last week, I witnessed on Facebook interracial “friendships” explode when an upper-middle class black female acquaintance of mine (let's call her “Sinazo”) shared a quote on white male privilege. She posted: “It seems that if you're white and male 70% of the work is [already] done”.
That post was quickly followed by another post wherein she said: “I lost some 'friends' today”. Sinazo is one of the few black women in South Africa who would by many measures be termed “privileged”.
She has gone to elite schools all her life and is a senior attorney at one of the “whitest” law firms in the country, possesses multiple degrees and is well-travelled. Her socio-economic position has often placed her in intimate spaces with white people in South Africa as close friendships and colleagues. On the outside, looking in, it would appear she is one of the few black people that can say “some of my best friends are white”.
Yet despite the proximity whites and privilege, for blacks like Sinazo looking at our history of slavery, colonialism and apartheid straight in the face and confronting continued white privilege in post-apartheid South Africa can be a source of great strain and discomfort.
There is often very little space for open and honest conversations with white friends about how our history continuously reproduces racialised inequalities. Once they critique the racist and economic system that privileges those white people they are close to, the white people act defensive and then withdraw their friendship or see the blacks as “playing the race card”. Once they stop being the “good blacks”, more often than not, they will be rejected because, as reiterated by many thinkers, whiteness will always accommodate you to some point - and then not further.
The response to Sinazo's status by her white “friends” is testament. These were some of the responses: “I've seen a few comments from you about white people. I would think a person who I regard as top individual wouldn't play that card all the time”
Another said: “Actually my friend you [are] so far [from] the truth it's actually scary. White men especially young white men have [it] very tough in this black empowered country. Now try be a white male and look for a job in this anti-white country... well sorry hun it ain't going to happen due to the fact that us white folk don't meet the BEE requirements. My husband is a white male and 70% of his work isn't done for him hey. If anything he has had to work harder due to the fact that his skin ain't black. So let's rather say be young and black and my darling this country is your oyster. Perhaps speak to white males first especially the younger ones and hear the truth and the rich kids don't count. But yet everyone is so up in arms about apartheid... personally it's the best thing that happened for young black south africans [sp] cause now white people especially men don't stand a chance in south”
I will not go into the racist response of apartheid being “the best thing that happened for young black South Africans” nor the factual inaccuracies of Sinazo's “friends” responses, because any measurement one uses from educational opportunities, wealth, employment, life-expectancy and so on - there is just no sane person who can deny white privilege is alive and thriving in post-apartheid South Africa.
This thread continued wherein a lot of her white friends declared that their friendships with her were over. Another white “friend” responded saying, “I'm sorry I know I'm not in your world but that statement has shocked and saddened me. I've only met you a couple of time and that's only because of [inserts name] bye” (sic).
Sinazo captured the situation well when she said this about her white friends: “We are friends for so long as we fit a specific mould. Dare I have an opinion that ruffles a few feathers, friendship over.”
Many interpersonal relations between black and white South Africans are still for the most on condition that the topics of apartheid, colonialism and racial redress remain unspoken. As a result, few of these relationships are authentic or sincere because the tough racial conversations are avoided in order to maintain a false sense of comfort with each other. This is not to be misunderstood: as a black female South African I am interested in forming sincere connections with white South Africans. However in many of these relationships I find that I am often silenced on issues concerning 'the black condition” and white privilege in South Africa in order to ease white South Africans' consciences.
Like a true South African, however, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that there is that utopian place that I aspire to that we can reach as South Africans in our interracial and interpersonal relationships. The government calls this “social cohesion”, and more thoughtful South Africans have called this “social connectedness” or “social solidarity”. For me to reach that point we first need to deal with our socio-economic inequalities.
There are examples of positive interpersonal racial relations, but they are few and are understudied and underexposed. These relationships are the ones that could possibly enlighten the way forward. A few weeks ago, Sisonke Msimang shared her personal reflection on her interracial marriage.
She writes: “When we first started dating I was cagey. I had been an activist in college and I wanted to continue down that path. Having a white lover didn't quite fit the script. I didn't think he would ‘get’ many aspects of my experiences as a black woman in a racist society. I didn't want to explain racism and sexism all the time, and I didn't know if I had the patience to argue over many of the fundamentals that frustrate black people and flummox white folks”.
She adds that after separating they reunited because they “were alike in all the ways that counted” and that the “race stuff”, as she puts it, would be figured out as they went along. She says that although “I have chosen to love a white man, that doesn't give him, or any other white men who exert their privilege unjustly, a free pass. In South Africa, as elsewhere, we've all got to do the work of changing the rules of the game: no exceptions”.
Sisonke's relationship presents us with what's possible where we can have more honest and sincere interracial and interpersonal relationships where white privilege is not left uninterrogated and unchallenged.
* The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of Independent Media.