We are the Fatherless Generation

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Published Oct 24, 2014

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This is not a condemnation of actions, but a cry for change from broken sons and daughters, writes Farai*.

Cape Town - This is a piece that I have been yearning to write for quite a while now; however, the personal and emotional connection I have with this topic denied me of one of my Fundamental Human Rights. In fact, to be completely honest, I infringed upon my own Freedom of Expression simply because I feared the inevitable vulnerability that would prevail in the words of this article. Emeli Sandé once sang, “You’ve got the words to change a nation, but you’re biting your tongue.” I refuse to remain silent on this critical societal matter for any longer. I accept my reality; but that does not mean I should remain silent. I concede that I am emotionally Fatherless to a point of no return, but perhaps my voice may still change the circumstances of those with hope. We are the Fatherless Generation. This can change.

The title is bold and perhaps even offensive to some readers. But before your emotionally defensive response to this “accusation” results in complete disregard for this piece, I present you with facts provided by the South African Institute of Race Relations (SAIRR). In 2013, only 33 percent of children lived with both parents. From the remaining 67 percent of children, 39 percent lived with their mothers, only 4 percent with their fathers, 8 percent with other family members, 0.5 percent in child-headed households and the remaining 15.5 percent lived in care homes or with non-biological parents. These statistics represent the reality of our nation. The despicable reality.

Statistics aside, the absence of fathers is all around us. It has become the norm to be surprised when an acquaintance tells you that their parents are still married or when meeting couples that have been married for the seemingly impossible 10 years and more. Upon further analysis of my own surroundings, many of my friends of various cultures, races and backgrounds live in a single-parent household – the majority with their mothers.

There are many reasons for this fatherless generation, namely divorce, lack of interest in the upbringing of a child, mistakes in conception, and deaths, to name a few. Note this is not a condemnation of actions, but a cry for change from broken sons and daughters. I do acknowledge that in certain cases, mothers are to blame; however, as statistics and reality prove, fathers are absent. While I sometimes understand the various reasons for this fatherless generation, some cases are simply unacceptable and I need you to realise this. Fathers, you need to realise that your decisions affect the people around you.

When you demonstrate a passionate willingness to engage in our conception, and then simply flee when your sexual acts produce another being; are you proud of yourself? Do you understand the physical pain that our mothers endured during conception and the emotional void that your actions caused?

When you engage in acts of infidelity, do you understand that you not only diminish the self-worth of our mothers but you also destroy the human value of your children? Your hobbies reveal your thoughts towards your family. Are we not good enough for you? Does our collective happiness not fill any void that may exist in your heart? It is clear if your love for us was complete, you would not feel a need to seek other forms of 'love'. Are you pleased with yourself?

When your colleagues, documents and money become your new family, do you realise the psychological effect this has on us? Do you realise that by placing your desire for power and wealth above your family, you will achieve your goals but there will be no one to rejoice with you?

When we dwell in the same household but you treat us as if we are not of value and not deserving of love, do you even begin to comprehend that your daughters and sons become accustomed to this treatment? And when we marry or date, we may continue to tolerate this indoctrinated treatment as “we accept the love we think we deserve”.

Since when has it become the norm for 15-year-old children to openly say “I know my dad doesn’t love me”? Since when has it become the Father’s Day trend to read Facebook posts that state “Happy Father’s Day to my Mother”?

I can only hope that these scenarios impact your future words, actions and decisions. Dear Fathers, please come back if there is still hope. And if you have been present, be both physically and emotionally present. Your actions and the actions of our mothers shape the future generation of thought leaders. You cannot simply be a sperm donor. You are part of our DNA.

Dear Daughters and Sons, Brothers and Sisters, please realise that although we are part of a fatherless generation, we should never undermine our self-worth. Regardless of the circumstances, we should continue to uphold our own human dignity and worth. Understand that although we are affected by devastating family events, we are not our parents. We carry within us the ability to strengthen ourselves and live in a manner we are pleased with. We are not our parent’s traditions and practices; we are ourselves. Yes, I do not have a decent relationship with my father. Yes, at many stages in my life I devalued my self-worth. Yes, for a certain period I viewed men in a negative light. However, I refuse to allow these events to cloud my judgment and control my life. I believe in my self-worth and I believe that one’s gender cannot be blanketed to describe their behaviour.

In the words of Daniel Beaty, “Yes, we are our fathers’ sons and daughters, but we are not their choices. For despite their absences we are still here. Still alive, still breathing with the power to change this world, one little boy and girl at a time.”

Fatherless Generation, continue to change the world. Do not allow your future children to share your experiences. Recognise the inherent value in all humanity. And continue to love.

* The author is a student at the University of Stellenbosch. She requested that her real name be withheld.

** The views expressed here are not necessarily those of Independent Media.

Cape Times

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