Johannesburg - Hello, it’s time to play… “WHAT THEY SAID, WHAT THEY MEANT”. Thank you for joining us.
As Armscor and the Department of Defence attempt damage control over the (not-R4-billion) “national asset” for the Presidency, we decipher what they were trying to say.
1. WHAT THEY SAID: “Reports that a VIP jet would be bought for R4bn are "devoid of truth. We could never afford that. Armscor is currently seeking information to establish the facts and have the required engineers and people who can crunch the numbers.”
WHAT THEY MEANT: R4-billion?! Ninjas, please. We can barely afford to pay attention right now, so we’ll find the best deal kickbacks can buy - or the nearest Gupta brother.
2. WHAT THEY SAID: The current presidential jet has been grounded a number of times because of mechanical problems.
WHAT THEY MEANT: Inkwazi is basically an Alfa Romeo with wings. We’re holding it together with spit and struggle credentials. (Apologies to Alfa Romeo fans. To avoid offence please insert Fiat instead.)
3. WHAT THEY SAID: Hiring private planes for President Jacob Zuma and Deputy President Cyril Ramaphosa proved expensive.
WHAT THEY MEANT: Number One and Number Two are very savvy with money and prefer to do things on the cheap. (Stop laughing)
4. WHAT THEY SAID: “Chartering flights proved unreliable and put officials at risk.”
WHAT THEY MEANT: Who wants to be stuck in that sh*thole Addis Ababa with no way out? Areas without duty-free shopping must be avoided at all costs.
5. WHAT THEY SAID: “At the moment all that Armscor was doing was putting out a request for information. This request is to determine requirements [for such an aircraft]. The request for information is to test the market on availability and is not binding.”
WHAT THEY MEANT: We’re just testing the waters, or more accurately the political tolerance, and to see if anyone notices. #FeesMustFall #Eskom #Heatwave #watershortage Too soon? Ok, then let’s have a press conference.
6. WHAT THEY SAID: “The driver of this is an important priority. Just look at the trade that we have in Africa. You cannot discount the value of that [trade], with return on investments being massive.”
WHAT THEY MEANT: Everyone is pillaging the hell out of Africa, and we want some of that action. Besides, this new bling for the Presidency will create jobs for the poor. (No, really. Stop laughing.)
7. WHAT THEY SAID: “Most commercial airplanes do not fly to every destination, especially in Africa. We must make sure our leaders are safe. You can't do most things on a commercial flight.”
WHAT THEY MEANT: SAA is a joke, and commercial airlines are for losers like you ordinary citizens. It’s only a matter of time before those rustbuckets start falling out of the sky.
8. WHAT THEY SAID: “SA is perceived as a key player on the African continent. SA must have excellent capability to maintain diplomatic relations. When delegates travel they need to arrive at destinations fresh, ready to represent SA.”
WHAT THEY MEANT: It’s important to arrive in style. Then only will these Africans respect you. We need to show them who is boss. South Africa is not just some country in Africa.
9. WHAT THEY SAID: “A new long-range plane will be able to make direct intercontinental flights from South Africa to New York, Beijing, Sydney, etc.
WHAT THEY MEANT: When China calls, we need to get there on the double. There’s no time to refuel in the Middle East when there’s money on the table.
10. WHAT THEY SAID: “The requirement for a jet is urgent and important and will be a national asset. The Minister (Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula) was tired of waiting. She is embarrassed it (acquisition of another VIP aircraft) hasn’t happened yet and she wants to see it happen quickly.”
WHAT THEY MEANT: Never keep a woman waiting, fellas. You should know better. Especially since she promised a new plane to the President in 2012 already. Let’s just get this done before local government elections, shall we?
IOL