Durban - Here’s what I knew about the game before playing: it’s set in a city that resembles LA; you’re a dodgy criminal who has to steal cars; and there are hookers. If you beat them they give you money (I learned that, funnily enough, from a comedy called Mom).
So after a few gameplay videos, and redeeming the code that would allow me to commandeer a giant blimp in the sky, I finally hit the start button, only to see the dreaded “Installing 1 of 8 546MB”. Is this going to use up my bandwidth? I hope not.
Just then I get a text from my ISP, saying I’ve been capped. Coincidence? I think not.
However, there’s some sort of loading menu slideshow. I’m all in. There’s a good-looking 40-something man on screen. Michael. He’s staring right at me with a rather provocative and leading smile. His hands seem to be unbuttoning his shirt, revealing a kevlar vest complete with bullet holes.
The picture changes: it looks like Lindsay Lohan being arrested. She does look good though.
The screen changes again, and there’s an emotional thug on screen, who seems to be hugging himself while gazing forlornly at the ceiling fan.
Michael again. This time his shirt’s buttoned up, but he has the same loaded stare. This time he’s got a wad of cash in his hands. It’s almost like he’s trying to entice me into a life of crime.
Lindsay arrested again. The female cop cuffing her does not look impressed. Lindsay, though, looks like she’s working the camera.
Surely the installation is done by now, but no – only halfway through.
New pics. A bespectacled man with a cane, in front of a board with a blueprint on it; emo thug; a guy with a dog who clearly needs a rabies shot; Lindsay arrested again. Wow, this sure is realistic.
I’m so tired already, I don’t know if I have the energy to immerse myself in a life of crime. Perhaps I’ll just have a cup of tea instead.
Oh wait, it’s finally installed! Sweet mother of mercy, we have lift-off…
Straight into another loading screen, apparently.
While this loads, the game offers tips and instructions in small pop up windows. And I mean, minuscule. I’m wearing glasses and still need to get up to read them. Press this to aim. Use this in the Pause menu. Fire with this button, hold with that button to aim. Press this to use your cellphone. (My cellphone?) Press L3 to do this. Where the f**k is L3?
I’ll check out the Pause screen later, I decide, and ignore the messages. The game starts.
Do I get to choose an outfit? Can I use any avatar? Do we get to choose our phones? Is this going to be like The Sims?
I end up playing as Michael.
And I find myself right in the middle of a cash heist with two other men, aiming a rifle at trembling bystanders. I use my cellphone to detonate explosives and blast the vault open, race in and grab as much cash as I can, and then we’re outside, where I find myself ducking for cover while shooting at the police cavalry outside. That certainly escalated quickly.
I keep dying, or abandoning my team, because I can’t see the stupid crosshair, because it’s about .0001mm in width.
It takes forever to figure out that there’s an auto-lock on the aimer, but by then I’ve already learnt how to switch between players, giving me a distinct one-up over the pigs, and we successfully take them out – which felt a little too satisfying.
Unfortunately, I didn’t realise that once we kill the cops, we should escape. I just lurked there until more cops arrived and killed me.
Once I finally figured it out (turns out my literal partner in crime had been yelling instructions the whole time), we make it to our getaway car (I’m the designated driver), and take off. I prove to be an awful getaway driver, crashing into every possible obstacle and missing the vast flat stretches of road.
I abandon the getaway route too, mainly because I simply don’t realise it’s there. Perhaps I’ve taken the open-world concept a bit far, and have underestimated the strategy and structure.
Knowing that, I stick to the route (just barely) and we lose the cops. On the downside, we also ended up losing the car because I crashed it into a speeding train.
Something important happens here, but I am distracted by the opening credits that begin to play. You mean I haven’t even started yet?
The credits take forever to roll out, but it’s tolerable because you get great views of Vinewood – GTA 5’s version of Los Angeles. The graphics are, and forgive my French, f***ing mindblowing. It looks ridiculously real and is painstakingly detailed. It looks like a living, breathing wholly interactive city complete with people busting with attitude. For example, if you start to walk behind a stranger in the city, he will walk a little faster before breaking into a run, clearly disturbed by you. If you walk around at night in the city, sex workers will come on to you. If you drive a little recklessly, people scream and freak out.
They also really hate it when you crash into them or run down their friends.
When my focus returns, I’m now a black dude. I’m Franklin, apparently. And I have a partner named Lamar. We are badass mo-fos, and we talk like it too. Lamar is tatted up, but I’m more suburbia-friendly.
We walk up to a house with two cars parked in the driveway, and Lamar asks me to choose one. I take the red convertible. I jump in and the radio is playing an awesome reggae jam. The game tells me I can change radio stations. This, I soon realise, will be the end of me. I can’t decide on a station and Lamar leaves me. A guy from the house comes out and starts beating me up. Mission failed.
I’m back in the car – being badass with Gimme More playing on the radio. I now drive to a joint run by a greasy looking man named Simeon who, I’m told, will keep giving me new missions. The location is added to my map.
My controller vibrates crazily and I hear an awful ringtone – it’s my cellphone! In the game! It’s uncannily realistic – I even have texts from some chick explaining to me how we are never ever getting back together. It’s Simeon with another mission for me. I’m supposed to break into a house and steal an SUV. Instead, I decide to check out Vinewood.
A gun logo appears on my map, so I drive to it. It’s an ammunition store. Inside, I click wildly on the first pistol I see. I buy things I’m not sure of, until suddenly it makes a jarring sound and says “not enough cash”. And that’s when the true scale of the game hits me. I’m going to need cash. I’m going to have to rob stores and banks and people. I’m going to have to pay attention and complete missions. I’m also going to have to take a month off work. - Sunday Tribune