Cape Town - Humans have come far. We’ve landed a machine on a comet and can see each other in real time from across the world. We monitor our hearts while we run, fly tiny planes, take videos while scuba diving and sing karaoke with strangers in Alaska.
We’re also on a meaningful quest to discover more about our world. Our questions are grave and cataclysmic: When did Paul Walker die? Do toenails grow back? Why are fire trucks red? Do weevils fly?
When there’s nothing to watch on TV except Americans with orange breasts shouting at cars, or when the book I’m reading turns bad, or when I’ve picked every dog hair off every blanket in the house, or made every Provita combination known to womankind (syrup and anchovette is not recommended), I Google. You know, the usual stuff: Do I have leg cancer? Can I take dogs to Silvermine? What is a fire pool? Am I depressed? Can I drink beer on antibiotics? Are Taureans boring? Can dishes wash themselves? Is the School of Practical Philosophy a cult?
Turns out you can’t drink beer on antibiotics, Taureans are boring, a fire pool is an actual thing, dishes can’t wash themselves and I probably just need to exercise. But you can’t believe everything you read on the internet.
Google is very clever. When you type a question into the search function it predicts what you’re going to ask, based on what the rest of humanity is asking. And if you break down the search according to countries, it would appear South Africans are obsessed with load shedding, weevils, fleas, paying tax, sex, toenails, fire trucks, aliens and Paul Walker.
If you type the word “Do” into the local Google search, the first phrase that pops up is: “Do we have load shedding today?” This indicates we are taking our dark age very seriously. Contrast that with Australians, whose search throws up “Do you remember Jarryd?”, and the British search which merrily chirps “Do a barrel roll”, and we appear to be Very Concerned citizens indeed. Never mind that the other South African searches include: “Do weevils fly?”, “Do fleas live on humans?” and “Do we need education to be successful?” (ask our president’s bank manager and the answer would be “No”.)
When it comes to asking the great G in the sky “Can… “, South Africans want to know if it’s possible to live on Mars and if people can fly. This is not surprising. What with load shedding and a rand that resembles a cow flap, it’s understandable that some people want to glue on fairy wings and take off to a planet that’s more desolate than Fish Hoek after 7pm. British Google users, on the other hand, want to know if they can re-heat rice. Yes they can – and at any hour of the day.
Type “What happens… “ into Google South Africa and the most searched question is: “What happens when you have sex?” This is also unsurprising because between cooking dinner by candles, swearing at politicians on the news, trying to catch flying weevils and fighting off feelings of depression, sex seems like something only the Kardashians do. In Australia, they just want to know what happens to Jon Snow. If my DVD player worked on chakra energy during load shedding, I could tell them. British Google users want to know what happens in spring and on a beach. Sun, I tell you. It’s scary and hot and foreign, but it’s nice.
“Why?” is a powerful philosophical question. I don’t know why, but it is. The main “why” South Africans want answered is: “Why do we pay tax?” Considering the stews cooked by candlelight, the poo-shaped rand and the weevil Boeings, this might be a good question. The second most popular question is: “Why do men cheat?” While psychologists will say it’s a combination of things – self-esteem, sex, emotional connection – I would suggest Eskom’s cover of darkness might also be to blame.
Australians, on the other hand, want to know why they yawn. Sheep, perhaps? Tony Abbott? Brits want to know why dogs eat grass. Because the alternative – leftover boiled cabbage and soggy chips – is too hideous to contemplate.
The question “Are there… “ in our local Google search reveals a lot about the state of our education system. The first one that comes up is: “Are there 180 degrees in a circle?” I failed maths and got 13 percent for technical drawing, but even I know there are 360 degrees in a circle. The other searches are even more disturbing: “Are there mermaids?” and “Are there two goalkeepers in soccer?” What on Earth are pupils smoking? And this from a nation that hosted the World Cup and endures enough re-runs of Splash on e.tv to know that blonde women with fish tails aren’t real.
One search is common to most countries. Whether we’re Jarryd-who-no-one-remembers from Australia or Debbie from Croydon – or even Keiko from Japan – we all seem preoccupied about when Paul Walker died. This magnificent thespian who drove cars very fast and furiously in a series of staggeringly formulaic movies appears to have captured our hearts with his aquamarine/topaz/azure/cerulean/ sapphire eyes, and his tragic/untimely/heartbreaking/senseless death has made us very sad.
I’d rather see the following in a South African search for “When did… “: When did Eskom realise it had neglected our power infrastructure? When did our leaders decide to abandon us? When did we feel like one country? When did the deal with al-Bashir go down? When did racism die? When did we stop believing? When did those bastard rice weevils learn to fly? When did we all stop trying? And when did we stop trusting one another?
Cape Argus