It isn't hard to imagine why a director would want to make a sexually explicit movie in 3-D. And Gaspar Noé's "Love" lives up to those expectations - or fears - with one climactic scene that you probably saw coming: the enveloping spectacle of one man's ecstasy.
Say what you will about predictability, Noé certainly knows how to shower his viewers with affection.
The biggest surprise of "Love" is how tedious it is. There's unsimulated sex galore, including orgies, a three-way involving a transsexual, you name it. But it's all such a drag. How titillating can this possibly be when even the actors look bored or, worse, morose?
We know what Noé is aiming to do, because his main character, a film student named Murphy (Karl Glusman), is a proxy for the director. Movies should be made of "blood, sperm and tears," Murphy says, bloviating while drunk at a party. He wants to authentically chronicle sexual intimacy in a loving relationship.
There are two relationships in the movie, and neither is particularly loving. Murphy is an American living in Paris, where he has paired with Omi (Klara Kristin), the mother of his young son. Since we are privy to the filmmaker's prosaic thoughts, presented in voice-over, we know he disdains her. He's pining for one who got away: Electra (Aomi Muyock), an old flame who, Murphy learns, has mysteriously disappeared.
Through flashbacks, shown in reverse chronological order, we see Murphy and Electra's breakup, followed by their relationship and, finally, their first meeting. It turns out Electra didn't just "get away"; she left after Murphy cheated on her and impregnated Omi.
The more we find out about Murphy and Electra, the less justifiable Murphy's obsession becomes. When the two aren't shown having sex - and lots of it - they argue constantly. What's worse, Electra might as well be a blank canvas while Murphy is an entirely unsavory character. He's jealous yet philandering and, even more heinous, pretentious yet dim-witted.
Like its main character, "Love" fancies itself clever, rewarding those in the know with inside jokes. Not one but two characters are named after the director: Murphy's son, Gaspar, and Electra's ex, Noé (Aaron Pages). Multiple Easter eggs reference the filmmaker's previous works.
The score, heavy on classical music, doesn't do much to elevate a movie that has to spell out how Murphy's name is a reference to Murphy's Law. (We're left to our own devices to figure out Electra's mommy issues.) Noé has more luck behind the camera, effectively capturing the chaos of a nightclub and carefully framing his lonesome lead actor to make him appear even more isolated. Murphy's memories are indicated with black-out cuts, mimicking the effect of a blinking eye.
But good camerawork only goes so far. "Love" drags on and on, alternating between arguments and intimacy, breakups and makeups. The movie never passes the authenticity test; if this is what sex feels like, we'll all soon be extinct.
• One star. Unrated. Contains explicit sex, graphic nudity, strong language and drug use. 130 minutes.
• Ratings Guide: Four stars masterpiece, three stars very good, two stars OK, one star poor, no stars waste of time.
Washington Post