REVIEW: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Megan Fox arrives at the LA Premiere of 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' on August 3, 2014 in Los Angeles.

Megan Fox arrives at the LA Premiere of 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' on August 3, 2014 in Los Angeles.

Published Oct 22, 2014

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TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

DIRECTOR: Jonathan Liebesman

CAST: Megan Fox, Johnny Knoxville, Pete Ploszek, Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, Alan Ritchson, Danny Woodburn, Tony Shalhoub, William Fichtner, Will Arnett

CLASSIFICATION: 7-9 PG V

RUNNING TIME: 101 minutes

RATING: ***

 

 

TEENAGE Mutant Ninja Turtles The Reboot occupies a weird no man’s land between not so bad as to be offensive and not so good as to be charming.

It is also as close as you are going to get to watching a Michael Bay movie without the man helming the project, although he

is a producer.

Cinematography favours the Bay style of little real light and lots of fully saturated candy-like blues and indoor yellow light sources. This adds a subtly artificial look to the whole affair. And, while you keep munching the popcorn as you stare at the screen, transfixed by the pretty lights, you will be hard-pressed to pick out one scene that stands out enough to remain with you after the credits.

Compound this with fast edits, explosions, lots of CGI and com-plex action shots which are a total triumph of style over substance. So much happens in every scene, that you don’t realise that not much is happening in the film at all.

Then again. Teenage. Mutant. Ninja. Turtles. There wasn’t a lot of substance to begin with. Just lots of pizza references and skateboards, now it’s just updated with some disturbing jokes.

Megan Fox plays April O’Neil, a sunshiney happy reporter who wants to be an investigative reporter.

When she makes the link between what she suspects is vigilante behaviour and four itty bitty turtles she released into the sewers as a child, the fighting begins.

She runs around trying to get that scoop, hair perfectly in place, not a rip in that yellow jacket (also such a misogynistic move to have a pretty, anorexic girl running through the film, perfectly made up, as nothing but a crutch for things to happen to).

Will Arnett can’t make up his mind whether to play cameraman Vern Fenwick as likeable or creepy, so he goes for both.

Each of the turtles gets one note of emotion to go with its colour-coded mask – Michelangelo comes across as a teenage stalker who affects a fake Mexican accent, Raphael is aggressive and can’t follow orders, Donatello is the smart one who understands tech and Leonardo takes his leadership role very seriously.

If you want to be academically critical of this film, there is a lot wrong with it – poor plotting that relies on hackneyed clichés, soul-less characters, a wooden actress for a human lead and, oi vey, what were they thinking? The motion capture creatures have no noses. But where this made Voldemort scary it makes the turtles seem unfinished.

If you can totally squish your critical faculties into a sodden heap curled up in the corner, there is enjoyment to be found in this reboot of the heroes in a half-shell.

Now, if those words make you automatically want to cry out “turtle power”, this film is aimed squarely at you. Yes, you, Generation X. The kid who ran through the house with your mom’s bandanna tied around your head, waving around her salad tongs with abandon and yelling “Cowabunga”.

You, the adult skulking in the back row because you brought the kids along to watch a kids’ movie.

This film was a box office success in the US and will spawn a sequel because it follows the blockbuster principles of move fast, blow things up, throw the one-liners out even faster and have as much fun as possible while doing it.

This film is just as ridiculous as the original idea was – now it is just seen through the lens of today’s kid. Or at least today’s kid at heart, who happens to be an adult with money to spend waxing nostalgic about playing Ninja Turtles on the street.

If you liked Transformers: Age of Extinction you will like this.

 

WIN! WIN! WIN!

To celebrate the nationwide release of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Tonight is giving 5 lucky readers the chance to win some Ninja Turtles merchandise. Each prize consists of Ninja Turtles foam hands and a pizza cutter. To enter, all you have to do is send your name and contact details to [email protected]. Please put Ninja Turtles Competition in the subject bar. The competition closes on Wednesday, October 22, at midnight.

Only the winners will be contacted.

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