Maybe it’s the Universe trying to tell me something, but for some reason I always seem to end up in countries that have in the preceding few weeks undergone some type of major internal strife. A few months ago it was Cairo after the revolution, this time around it was London after the riots. And I’m convinced that had they seen this cuzin’s visa application at the embassy while the looters were grabbing flat-screen TVs, there’s no chance I would have been given a visitor’s permit to start with.
The good news, though, is that London was cool, calm and collected, with not a rioter or a looter in sight. In fact, the dodgiest look I got over the entire trip was from the ticketing clerk at Paddington station when I said I was staying at Buckingham Palace. Which in a broader sense I was – if you consider Buckingham Palace Road part of the palace that is.
Getting around London for the first time is no easy feat, especially when you’re a South African used to getting in a car, turning a key and driving there. The London Underground is about as contorted as Julius Malema’s finances, and the first time you take a look at the spaghetti-like map with different lines in different colours you understand just how basic our Gautrain really is.
Heathrow Airport to Paddington, for example, cost £18 (around R210) one way on the fancy Heathrow Express, yet for a quarter of that I discovered I could have got onto the dark blue line on my map (the Piccadilly Line) then connected to Victoria, my final destination.
Fortunately the underground wasn’t a regular mode of transport – as in peak hour it becomes a living advertisement for antiperspirants, and can be a little depressing to use with that trek underground and the stale air.
Nope, we took the higher grade route and got ourselves a two-day pass with the Big Bus Tours Company. This is an ingenious little system they have running through the centre of London. The bus stops at all the major tourist sights – Madame Tussauds (and London Zoo), Regent Street (Hamleys), Piccadilly Circus (Soho), Haymarket (Leicester Square), Trafalgar Square, Whitehall (Downing Street), Westminster Bridge, the London Eye, London Bridge, Tower of London, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace, you name it, it stops there.
Simply jump off, walk about, come back when you’re done and jump on the next tour bus.
There’s obviously lots of them, as we never waited more than five minutes for a bus, and getting a two-day pass (£32) means you can use it like public transport to get between the spots you’d like to visit.
Having said that, though, the buses do tend to run in the same loops with the tour guides all versed in the same lingo. Meaning that by now I can tell you that Gerald Grosvenor, the Duke of Westminster, drives a silver Porsche, that his 18-year-old son drives a Mini, and that if you can afford one of his properties in Belgravia on a 99-year lease you have to paint it every 10 years – in Queen Anne white.
I know this because I had the pleasure of touring Belgravia four times. It’s also the safest area in tour guide-speak as two James Bonds have lived there (Roger Moore and Sean Connery), and I got to wave at Margaret Thatcher’s bodyguard – four times.
Being in London for just three days is nowhere near enough time to see the place properly, and converting rands to pounds is certainly one way to stay sober, but we did a fair amount of walking about.
A highlight was the London Dungeon which cost around £20 to enter. I should have got the gist of it when I had holy water sprayed on my foot while walking through the pitch-black, cemetery-themed entrance.
But had I then left, I’m sure the live actors who scared the bejezus out of me would have been disappointed.
The attraction is certainly worth a visit, and tells the stories of things such as the plague, the Great Fire of London, Sweeney Todd, Jack the Ripper, all the dark stuff. You get tried in an unjust Middle Ages court, and the actors, who look like props, pride themselves on checking how strong your bladder is by creeping up on you and giving you a little howzit on the leg or arm.
The rides are also quite cool – one of them takes you through a séance experience and you get spun around the room. Another imitates a hanging, with quite an interesting free fall.
I made a special effort to visit Leicester Square after hearing so much about it, but it’s been largely dug up and is being spruced up for the London Olympics next year. I also wanted to visit the Odeon Cinema there, where they have world premieres, and shell out £12 for the opportunity to say I’d watched a movie there. While the cinema was huge it’s nowhere near as exciting décor-wise as its world premiere equivalent in the States, the Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood. Not to mention that both Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig should publicly apologise for their efforts in Cowboys and Aliens.
Trafalgar Square, on the other hand, was quite inspiring, with the huge fountains, the blue water, the bronze lions, and people sitting in the square in the sunshine. I was rather proud when the verbose tour guide mentioned South Africa House, and with the Olympic countdown clock proudly on display you can sense this is quite an arty and cultural centre.
Having to wait in the rain outside the Hard Rock Café in Old Park Lane was not so inspiring though, but being the first Hard Rock in the world, we had to check it out. It was cool. Got the T-shirt.
And what would a visit to London be without popping in at Buckingham Palace?
As luck would have it, the palace doors were swung open for the summer opening of the State Rooms. Apparently this only happens for more or less two months (August and September) in the year, and was quite an eye-opener into how the royals roll.
Unlike your usual museum visit, getting access to the actual state rooms means you visit the real rooms used by the Royal Family for different occasions.
I got to see various rooms which the recently married royal couple used for wedding pictures and meeting guests; even Kate’s wedding gown was on display. More interesting was the royal Fabergé egg collection, some serious artwork, and the various stories behind each of the rooms – like the Music Room, which has been used for the christening of many royals, using water sourced from the river Jordan.
You get to walk past the garden the Queen uses for her famous tea parties, and with the hi-tech audio guide in your ear you’re generally up to speed on the whos and whats.
Staying in a central location in London is paramount to a good visit, especially once you factor in transport costs and the time you could waste getting around. Our home away from home for the three nights was The Rubens at the Palace, and its sister hotel 41, both about two blocks away from the main entrance to Buckingham Palace, on Buckingham Palace Road, and across from the Buckingham Palace Royal Mews (where the Queen’s horses and carriages are kept).
In terms of location this is prime. You’re two blocks away from the huge Victoria Station and the Mews is a stop for the Big Bus Tour – in fact the bus stops right at the hotel’s doorstep (the two hotels are neighbours).
Rubens is not part of a huge hotel group but rather part of the Red Carnation boutique hotel group, so I was expecting more of a local touch in terms of look and feel, and it’s safe to say that’s pretty much what I got. Before leaving South Africa I got an e-mail asking for preferences in terms of creature comforts like pillows and laptop adapters, and was offered the opportunity to arrange flowers or champagne for a special occasion.
The Rubens is a four-star hotel with a very pinstripe, friendly yet formal local London feel.
The hotel has two restaurants (one rather cosy with a definite intimate charm to it), a separate lounge, and two bars (one Champagne and the other more English pub with fireplace).
But, more important, it has quite a nice personal touch to it. Like when we checked in and weren’t exactly enamoured with the size of our room.
The guest relations manager, friendly fellow-South African Adele Coetzee, explained that it had the view of the Royal Mews and was generally in high demand. We said we didn’t mind looking at the car park but would prefer a little more space, and within minutes she had us in the comfier Windsor Suite (which had a decent enough view of the city).
You’d think such an establishment wouldn’t be kid or even pet friendly. On the contrary, really. The hotel hosted a Kids Summer cinema club with daily movies, and is pet heaven with poochie allowed in your room and a dedicated pet menu with everything from Woof Waffles to a dish called the Purring Feline. The concierge was also quite jacked – an elderly English gentleman who looked like he could organise you anything from Posh Spice to Old Spice.
The sister property, 41, takes it up a notch, and though it has a dedicated entrance, it’s really the top floor of the same building. It’s proper five-star with a very Old Gentleman’s Club feel to it in terms of the décor. Think black and white marble and lots of dark wood.
Our room was really a loft, with a small lounge downstairs and staircase leading to the room and en-suite bathroom. You can see the shape of the building’s roof in the room, but it’s very tastefully done.
Things get a lot more personal at 41, with the small executive lounge having a few couches, fireplaces and a huge skylight; this is where you’d have a quiet breakfast or afternoon tea. It’s almost like a library-cum-lounge with the bookshelves and woody décor. Guest service managers are available 24 hours a day via the “whatever whenever” button on your room phone, and I especially liked the Plunder the Pantry counter, which offered complimentary snacks like crisps, chocolates and ice creams.
Outside of the hotel, but part of the property, was a South African-themed restaurant called bbar that we tried. The décor was more African than South African, but local favourites like boerewors and bobotie were on the menu in different forms. The food was heerlik, the wine menu very South African (though the draught beer and our waitress were both Czech).
In terms of the rioters the only place I saw any was on the BBC highlights in my room. The reality, I discovered, was that it happened in pockets in outlying parts of London with central London largely unaffected. People were talking about it but weren’t changing their daily routine or avoiding anything because of it. If anything, central London seemed too clean, the traffic seemed to flow too calmly, and the place on the whole seemed more upmarket than I’d imagined.
I should have bought an I Love London hoodie though. - Saturday Star
If You Go...
l The Rubens At The Palace: Tel: 0044 207 963 0704, Fax: 0044 207 958 77 25, www.rubenshotel.com
Hotel 41: www.41hotel.com
Red Carnation Hotels: www.redcarnationhotels.com
Odeon cinema: www.odeon.co.uk
Big Bus Tours London: www.bigbustours.com
The Official Residences of The Queen: www.royalcollection.org.uk
bbar: www.bbarlondon.com, tel: 0044 207 958 7000