by David Biggs
I am enormously flattered to have been invited to submit a tender for the supply of machinery to the Transnet railway system.
I don’t think this actually qualifies me to assume the title of “Cadre” yet, but one has to start somewhere.
The official tender application form (RFX B-TRO98/2020-09) arrived in my inbox over the weekend and asked me to submit my lowest price and earliest delivery date for no fewer than 30 of these railhead grinding machines.
The fact that I have not the faintest idea what a railhead grinding machine is doesn’t worry me at all.
Details like that apparently don’t bother busy cadres like us if news reports are to be believed.
I’ll just Google “railhead grinders”, jot down the name of a supplier and the price, then double it, add the customary R1 million “gratification”, (which is not a bribe, you understand. Of course not!), then sit back and warn my bank to reserve space for the cash that’s about to come flooding in.
I confess I’m new to this cadre business, but I guess I’ll pick it up as I go along. I don’t even know who should get the gratification and whether to pay it in cash or by EFT, but I’m a quick learner.
So don’t be surprised to see a few strange machines parked in my driveway next time you come past.
Those are just my stocks of ZFX-2200H railhead grinders waiting to be delivered to Transnet.
If this cadre business catches on I might have to move to a bigger house in order to store the machines I supply. On the other hand, as I said earlier, I have no idea what a railhead grinder is, or how much parking space it requires. For all I know it might consist of a piece of sandpaper on a stick.
In which case I shall be bitterly disappointed.
How much gratification can you reasonably add to the price of a sheet of 80 grit emery paper?
Last Laugh
A young man decided he needed fresh air, so got into his sports car and went for a high-speed drive along the freeway.
He was doing 200km/h when he saw a traffic cop’s blue light flashing in his rear-view mirror.
At first he thought he might outrun the cop car and accelerated, but realised he would be in worse trouble so he pulled over and stopped.
“Okay,” said the traffic cop, “if you can give me one good excuse for speeding that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you off with a warning.”
“Well,” said the driver, “last week my wife ran off with a traffic cop. When I saw your blue light I thought it might be him trying to bring her back.”
The cop snapped his notebook shut. “Enjoy the rest of your day,” he said.
* "Tavern of the Seas" is a daily column written in the Cape Argus by David Biggs. Biggs can be contacted at [email protected]
** The views expressed here are not necessarily those of Independent Media.