10-point plan for a decent divorce

Gwyneth Paltros revealed how her 2014 split from Coldplay front man Chris Martin had not affected their special bond, and said she believed he would 'take a bullet' for her. Picture: AP

Gwyneth Paltros revealed how her 2014 split from Coldplay front man Chris Martin had not affected their special bond, and said she believed he would 'take a bullet' for her. Picture: AP

Published Jan 30, 2017

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London – Gwyneth Paltrow has an Oscar in annoying people, yet recently I thought the girl spoke sense. 

Last month, she revealed how her 2014 split from Coldplay front man Chris Martin had not affected their special bond, and said she believed he would "take a bullet" for her.

What’s more, she hopes they will inspire others, thanks to the mature and sensible way they handled their split. "I honestly think Chris and I have contributed something positive to the culture of divorce," she opined.

You may think that complacent, but I don’t. I hope she’s right. Haters will hate and mockers mock, but I reckon poor Gwyneth was unfairly criticised for using the fancy phrase "conscious uncoupling" when she and Martin went their separate ways. Yes, at the time it seemed as pretentious as the rest of her website, Goop — full of ideas beyond the reach of most mere mortals. But how about expressing that thought another way?

Splitting sensitively? Mindfully un-marrying? Leaving — with love? Saying farewell but staying friends? Breaking up beautifully?

Such a process may seem idealistic when so many marriages end badly, especially after infidelity. The universe echoes to cries of rage and grief, vengefulness and rancour.

But I believe we owe it to ourselves to strive for the best possible outcome. There is no excuse (not even acute pain) for behaving like dogs of war and leaving your children bleeding on the battlefield.

A good divorce, though not easy, is worth working towards — although 12 years of writing an advice column have shown me that for many couples it’s an achievement to part with politeness.

But it can be done. As my ex-husband memorably told me: "We can go on loving each other under separate roofs." And he was right, too.

When my 35-year marriage to broadcaster Jonathan Dimbleby ended, dramatically and painfully, in 2003 (he fell in love with someone else), we managed it with affection and respect miraculously intact, something of which I am immensely proud.

More than 13 years (and second marriages and grandchildren) later, total family harmony is the result. Isn’t it worth pushing anger, sorry and injured pride aside to achieve that?

In my experience, people don’t want to believe you if you say you still love your ex.

Sadly (especially nowadays), folks enjoy bad news and thrive on gossip and hatred. When I wrote my memoir of divorce, A Small Dog Saved My Life, certain people criticised its gentle, conciliatory tone. "You’re too forgiving," they said. To which I replied: "You can’t ever be too forgiving."

I know it’s damn hard. Over the years, I’ve read countless letters seething with hurt and rage, from men and women bewildered and bruised because their partners walked away. Letters of extreme loneliness and despair, too. Letters reducing me to tears of sympathy. I know how cruel people can be, especially when they rewrite the history of the marriage ("You never understood me") to justify leaving.

Men lie and cheat, then try to put harsh financial constraints on people they once loved, treating them like the worst of enemies. Women walk out on their children, or kick their hapless husbands out of the marital home because suddenly the "romance" has gone. It’s all horrible.

The leavers inflict pain, those l eft suffer — and when there are children involved, this matters as much as the most shattering world events. One divorce may seem a small, private affair — and yet its repercussions are the business of society.

Which means you and me. The mental health of adults and children alike is at stake here — which is why the "good", thoughtful, unselfish split (or "conscious uncoupling" a la Paltrow) really matters.

Nothing is easy but it doesn’t mean we can’t aim for my (inevitably simplified) ten-point plan for a decent divorce:

1. Rage, by all means — But get help

The emotions are huge: disbelief, rage, anguish, depression and grief swirl in the minds and hearts of the ones who don’t want the split. Sometimes, of course, the decision is mutual, yet there is still a feeling of disappointment, sadness, failure.

I’m convinced it helps to talk things through, but that friends are not necessarily the best ones to help. Yes, they’ll listen to you rant (see 5) yet they cannot be dispassionate. So I would like everyone in marital difficulties to check out the variety of services offered by Relate (relate.org.uk) because even a phone call could help you start to make sense of what is happening.

Key message: You don’t have to go through this on your own.

2. BE Honest WITH YOURSELF

If I ever suggest in my advice column that the partner who is left may have contributed to the break-up, brickbats rain down. I understand why — if you are the injured party, you feel blameless.

You may be the innocent victim of a horrible spouse who inflicts mental cruelty or physical abuse — in which case you deserve all the sympathy in the world. But some marriages turn into prisons of permanent reproach. I know a case where the woman refused to move house when her husband was promoted, partly because she didn’t want to leave behind her secret boyfriend. Yet when the husband began a new relationship in the other town, she made sure their split was as savage as possible, causing permanent damage to their two children. Her role as injured victim was a lie. It’s vital to be honest about the state of the marriage.

Key message: marriages are multi-faceted, so be truthful to yourself.

3. Give Yourself a GOOD Talking to

You wake at 4am and lie in misery thinking: "Why is this happening to me? I don’t deserve this. My life is over. I can’t go on." It’s hard for outsiders to realise the end of a marriage can feel like bereavement, yet it’s helpful for those involved to see it in those terms. The "wronged" person may think it would be easier to cope with their spouse having died than with separation and divorce. These are deep, complex feelings, which have to be understood.

I found two things helpful. The first was to flip the negative thoughts: "Why shouldn’t this happen to me, it happens to so many people? Far from my life being over it may just be beginning — and even though it’s tough, I will survive."

The second was really listening to the friend who said, "Never say your marriage 'failed', say it just ran its course." Those words, a kind of cosmic shrug, gave me perspective.

Key message: The marriage may be over – but I am not.

4. Take care of the CHILDREN

The agonising question of how (a) to tell children (of any age) and then (b) support them is, of course, crucially important. Never believe any divorcee who says their kids are ‘fine’, because I doubt it’s ever true. There is far too much to write about children and not enough space here, so I recommend: Help Your Children Cope With Your Divorce by Paula Hall and Breaking Up Blues by Denise Cullington.

Parents should never use kids as weapons in their selfish marital war or bad-mouth each other to them.

Key message: Use self-control: your children’s feelings are far more important than your own.

5. choose THE RIGHT Shoulders to Cry on

friends will be shocked and upset. They may also want to take sides, but here is a note of caution.

Whether you are hurting or the one choosing to end the marriage, you crave support and need to be listened to. It can be very helpful to hear how others have survived similar experiences. But it’s unwise for friends and family to join in abusing your ex, even if they feel like it.

Better just to listen, as this story shows. Hearing his close friend’s wife had walked out, my male chum hot-footed round with a bottle of scotch. That drunken night he agreed she was a cruel cow, confessed how much she’d always annoyed him and said his mate was better off without her.

But she came back and they rebuilt the marriage — and the friends never spoke again

Key message: Try not to make your friends take sides — it could make things worse.

6. Don’t Rush OFF to the Solicitor

This is a vast, important subject, and there’s plenty of expert advice out there. The best shorthand counsel is to seek mediation before you go to a solicitor. This helps you and your partner reach fair decisions about property, finance and arrangements for children that are in the best interests of the whole family, without going through the courts.

Key message: The end of a marriage requires diplomacy as well as justice. Let others steer you though.

7. Embrace all you’ve learned

When disbelief, rage and misery (and so many other emotions) have settled, then comes the realisation that the future needs to be faced. To the person who has been left, I say: living well is the best riposte. To the person who did the leaving I say: your future will be influenced by how you treat those you’ve hurt.

Key message: Nothing is wasted; all experiences (even the bad ones) help us to grow. If we let them.

8. PUT A Brave FACE ON FOR Family events

I’ve had so many letters about weddings, yet still feel shocked that parents allow post-divorce bitterness to ruin happy family events.

It may be hard to be in the same room as your ex and his/her new partner, but if it’s a special family occasion the truth is, you have to be strong. You do it for those in your family who don’t need to be made unhappy because you refuse to stand tall.

When women ask me how they can possibly attend a daughter’s wedding when the hateful ex will be there with his new wife, I want to ask: "Well, would you go to her funeral?" The painful answer has to be "Yes." So embrace the wedding with relief.

Key message: Behave with strength and dignity; refuse to make all events about you.

9. Make the best of YOUR Memories

If no children are involved, a divorce can be a final goodbye. Otherwise you must live life as a continuum that will always involve your ex. Look back on what was good about the marriage and focus on it.

It didn’t last but it happened. From time to time you’ll see each other, and when you do, be sure to concentrate on the very best aspect of your ex to create the best new life for yourself. They go together.

Key message: You should not disown the past.

10. Construct a new life FOR YOURSELF

Imagine yourself as a snowball rolling down a hill, picking up more snow as well as twigs, stones and leaves on the way, getting bigger and bigger. We take people and events with us, and everything helps us to grow. It also enables us to see our lives as movement: a process of change and development. After a careful, thoughtful, unselfish divorce, your spirit can join Edith Piaf singing No regrets.

That liberating proclamation is the key to a new future. There are still days when I mourn the marriage that ended, but nevertheless I give thanks for all that it taught me — lessons I carry with me into this joyful present life, and into however many tomorrows I have left.

Daily Mail

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