Life really isn't fair, is it? You'd think Ferrari owners were fortunate enough. What you don't realise is that once you buy one (and I have - a California convertible) they sign you up to a special owners' club that offers exclusive Pilota driving classes to training you up to racing standard if that's what you want.
They do them all year round at the Fiorano test track but once a year they do a special one in St Moritz, Switzerland, called Pilota On Ice. It teaches safe driving in slippery conditions - but mostly it's a whole load of fun. And, in March, they invited me.
I flew to Milan, three hours from the hotel Ferrari had booked in the famous ski resort. It should've taken three hours but this was Italy, so my taxi driver Luca swore he could do it in less than two - and did, despite the snow being more than two metres deep in places.
Arriving fairly shaken at the Hotel Kempinski, I slipped and slid like a typical Englishman in my leather-soled shoes across the ice to a group of Ferrari guys in red Puffa jackets, who took our little group through a safety briefing.
We were introduced to the brakes, accelerator, paddle shift and lights and let loose to explore Switzerland. It was -14C according to the California's fascia as I hit an amazing bit of tar just outside St Moritz called the Albula Pass: eight kilometres of twists and bends so good I drove it twice. Then four more times.
Dropping into Klosters with the Italian V8 burbling happily I found a great place for lunch but almost choked when I saw the bill. I may have looked the part with the Prancing Horse key fob on the table, but my wallet carries more loyalty cards than gold cards.
After lunch and with the sun shining - although it was still cold enough to kill a penguin - I did the British thing and put the roof down. With my nose dripping I headed back to the hotel and promptly got lost.
I can't think of anywhere better to lose my way, not only because of the scenery but also because there was no traffic - what is it with this place? Corner after corner I let the back end step out, the car's electronics stopping me from overcooking it, with no cops or speed cameras.
The main business began at dawn the next day on a track (well, a big flat piece of snow) called Cho d'Punt. More men in red jackets and Prada sunglasses came out of a marquee and one, Tomas, introduced himself as my instructor. He got in beside me and I was off - with 340kW under my right foot and nothing but snow and ice for grip.
SPURT OF POWER
The first task was a slalom - three cones to weave through in second gear. I entered the first turn flat out, flicked the wheel and tensed my buttocks in anticipation of the inevitable crash... but it didn't happen. The F1 Trac system kept the California composed and I went round all three cones as easily as if I was in a shopping mall car park.
After that I switched the traction control to "Sport". This allowed a degree of drift so that navigating the cones was more a case of flicking the wheel, giving it a spurt of power to slide the back end out, then opposite lock and another spurt to bring it back in.
Now I could feel the car interacting with the surface and the play of masses and forces - the car's weighted 47 percent front, 53 percent rear, with the V8, unusually for a Ferrari, slung just behind the front axle. After that Tomas leaned over and turned the switch to "O", leaving just the ABS - which wasn't much help as the snow had worn away, leaving shiny ice.
I barrelled towards the first cone, gave it the normal flick, and spun straight into a 720-degree pirouette. My talent had run out. Once you feel the slide, it's too late, Tomas said, and he had to spend the next hour showing me how to judge what's going to happen before it does.
HAIRY-CHESTED PART
After a while I learned to dip the wheel 5m before the cone, give it a tiny bit of power and then gently straighten up as I reached it. This gives you a nice, smooth, controlled slide. I was like Torvill and Dean out there.
Last came the hairy-chested part: flat out, all 340kW screaming around the outside of the track, like a speedway motorcycle but in a R2.6-million luxury car.
Now that I knew how to drift, I could approach a wall at 100km/h and roar past sideways, sending a 15m spray of snow and ice high into the air behind me. If I do say so myself, it looked amazing in the low winter sunshine.
Now be honest, skiers, isn't that way more fun than sliding down a hill with a couple of planks tied to your feet? All you have to do is buy a Ferrari.
Life really isn't fair. It isn't fair at all. - London Daily Mail
TECH SPEC
SA price:
R2 605 000.
Engine:
4.3-litre V8
Power:
340kW.
Torque:
485Nm at 5000rpm.
Top speed:
307 km/h.
Fuel consumption:
13.2 litres/100km
CO2 emissions:
305g/km.
Transmission:
Dual-clutch seven-speed (auto and manual modes).
Standard equipment:
19" forged alloys, Brembo carbon-ceramic brakes, electronic stability programme with traction control, tyre pressure and temperature monitoring, retractable hard top (takes 14sec), ejectable roll bar, 165mm touchscreen HD satnav with voice activation.
Optional extras:
20" forged alloys, manual six-speed transmission, adaptive headlights, carbon-fibre fascia, cruise control, run-flat tyres, iPod installation, dual-mode adaptive suspension, front parking sensors, power seats with heating and memory function, Carrozzeria Scaglietti personalisation programme.