Lara de Matos

Avian excrement is usually the sort of thing we see splattered across sidewalks, splotched on buildings and smeared across – well, everything, if you happen to be part of the unique experience that is working in downtown Joburg.

Or if you should ever find yourself staring at Nelson’s Column in London’s Trafalgar Square, where the pigeons and their poop have pride of place. That is, of course, if you’re not among the fortunate few with a name featured across the who’s who sites of every showbiz title (credible or otherwise) throughout the world. This being the case, said poop will be positioned squarely on your face. And you’ll pay a pretty penny for it to boot.

The bird droppings facial is nothing new. But with Harry Styles having recently joined the ranks of sheep-minded celebs who obviously have too much money and not a clue what to do with it (a predicament we’d be more than happy to help them with), such fads have once again become the talk of Twitter Town. For the adoring Tweens wondering why a hip-happenin’ youngster like ol’ Harry feels the need to resort to such measures, the glaringly obvious answer is the lad has spots. Lots of them. Cue shrieks of wailing disbelief as bubblegum-popping girls everywhere are hit with the cold, harsh reality that, nay, their idol is far from perfect.

And quite possibly, have them rethinking their fantasies of him leaning in for a kiss, now that they know it would likely come with a strong whiff of faecal matter…

Still, at least they need not contend with the smell (or texture) of snail slime, snake venom or even Harry’s own blood and urine. These are just a handful of equally outrageous treatments favoured by the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Gwyneth Paltrow and Kim Kardashian, with Kate Middleton and pretender to the throne Victoria Beckham opting for beauty therapies more befitting those of a royal lineage, such as bee sting facials.

For which the poor tax-paying British plebs would incite a revolution, were they to know this “little” extravagance comes in at the equivalent of $55 200 (R978 000) an ounce.

Granted, such therapies aren’t as deplorable as drinking the water in which a live giant turtle is slowly boiled to death (a common practice among the Chinese royal dynasties of yesteryear), or those that could be deemed demonic in nature, which advocate using human and animal organs in a bid to remain eternally fresh-faced and beautiful.

One could even momentarily overlook the fact that, while two thirds of the world’s population doesn’t have access to proper sanitation, health care, food or shelter, these self-indulgent showbiz types are brazenly spending enough cash to feed a proverbial small nation on such vainglorious pursuits.

What cannot be so easily ignored, however, is their blatant stupidity and arrogance: After all, if even the greatest and most learned of civilisations ever known to man could not find a lasting cure to stop the relentless march of time across the features of their Cleopatras, Shebas and Sorayas, perhaps it’s because we simply weren’t meant to.



[email protected]