Washington – ‘I find it really attractive how successful you are,” my date said, leaning in for a kiss.
Sure, it sounds like a line. But it also sounds like feminism. It made him more appealing than the guy who said, “Wow, you’re ambitious,” like he was surprised. Or the one who asked, “Why do you work so much?” and “Why would you want to work even more?” when I was angling for a promotion.
It didn’t work out with any of those men, but going out with them made it all the more obvious to me what I want a partner to be: cute, smart, funny and… yes, feminist. Yes, a 30-something single woman, eggs unfrozen, is telling other single women they should dare to want it all if they ever hope to have it all.
But how do you spot a male feminist if he’s not at an abortion rights rally wearing a “This Is What a Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt?
It shouldn’t be hard. After all, as actor Aziz Ansari said on David Letterman’s show recently, everyone’s a feminist now. Unless you think Beyonce shouldn’t have the right to vote, should earn 23 percent less than Jay-Z and should be at home cooking rather than performing. And who would think that?
Few guys will proudly say no when asked if they’re feminists. Instead it’s a wholehearted “yes”, a lukewarm “maybe” or “can you define what you mean by ‘feminist’, please?”
As one 32-year-old put it: “I respect the movement. I’m hesitant to call myself a feminist, but I guess I wouldn’t shy away from the term.” In other words: Do we have to put a label on it? The label isn’t everything; living it is more important than saying it. But it’s a good place to start.
Define what you’re looking for
Is he a feminist if he says, on a first date, that he could see himself taking his wife’s last name? (Maybe his own name is pretty generic.) If he insists on doing the dishes after you’ve cooked dinner together, but proceeds to whip the dish towel at your tush, is that playful or objectifying? (Both.) Is he sexist if he cancels a taxi ride because the driver is a woman? (Definitely.)
Does he need to believe that men and women are equals and should be treated as such? (Uh, yes.)
Does he need to be actively fighting for social, political and economic justice for women – and for all people – to identify as a feminist? (Not necessarily. But if he is, great.)
Here’s how I’m defining it: Feminists – male or female, gay or straight – aren’t constrained by gender roles. Anyone can do the asking out, the feelings-confessing or the initiating of any kind. (As for who should pick up the bill on a first date, let’s obliterate the gender pay gap first, then put that one back up for debate.)
Of course, way too many guys think they’re feminists but don’t live up to it. A true male feminist is supportive of, interested in and enthusiastic about his partner’s career. He may not expect to earn more than his partner or think, his career trumps hers; a feminist couple may move for the woman’s career. A study by moving company Mayflower found last year that 72 percent of male millennials and 59 percent of male baby boomers would move for a spouse.
When it comes to attraction, a feminist man makes sure – verbally – that his partner is in agreement.
“If you’re a woman who wants a man to grab you and kiss you because that’s what sweeps you off your feet, realistically, a feminist man is not going to do that,” says Rita Goodroe, 38, a life coach in Virginia. “He’s going to ask for permission.”
Singles have heard years of advice from Sheryl Sandberg, Anne-Marie Slaughter and others about how you should “make your partner a real partner”. Yes, but you don’t just wake up one day next to a partner who’s enlightened. First, you go on lots of dates. And you go online.
Ask for what you want
As an experiment, Megan Downey, 24, a social marketing specialist in Washington, has a succinct Tinder profile: a few pictures of herself and the word “feminist”.
“I was wondering if there were men out there who were not afraid of the word ‘feminist’,” she said.
Downey says she heard from one or two guys who wanted to fight about what the word meant. And then she found one who wasn’t afraid of the F-bomb: he wrote to her that it was “great to see a feminist on Tinder”.
He said he was a Marxist feminist and had studied the history of gender inequality and how it had affected the economy. They saw each other for about three months.
Downey may be on to something. The day before we spoke, I was going through my daily batch of profiles on Hinge – an online-dating app similar to Tinder – and clicked “yes” on a man whose profile listed “feminism” as one of his interests, after “foreign policy”.
Laurie Davis, the founder of eFlirt, an online-dating consulting company, says there’s been a shift in how people refer to their ideal partners in online profiles. “I see people allude to feminist traits in their profiles,” she says, such as men seeking women who are “independent or similarly successful”.
Sometimes the signs of a person’s worldview are more subtle. Samhita Mukhopadhyay, a former executive editor of Feministing.com and the author of Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Love Life, complained about men’s online profiles that list their favourite musicians and writers, but don’t include a single woman. “Women make art, too.”
Don’t wait for him to make the first move
I’ve long believed that dating like a feminist – which often involves making the first move – will weed out many of the rigid guys with set ideas about gender and relationships. It may also help identify the feminist man who doesn’t want to come on too strong or who feels it isn’t necessarily his responsibility to signal interest.
A 24-year-old man who considers himself feminist and whose girlfriend asked him out first said: “I’m not good at reaching out.”
For years, Davis has been nudging women to send the initial message in online dating, and now she’s finding there’s less resistance to that advice.
My feminist dating story starts in my Grade 6 classroom, as I watched my first major crush, Chris, ask my best friend, Erica, if she would “go out” with him. She said yes. The whole class was watching and cheering him on, probably because none of us had seen a boy ask a girl out before and wanted to see how it was done. But I was devastated.
I resolved right then that the next time I liked someone, I was going to make it clear.I’ve refined my approach over the years, so I’m not haphazardly confessing crushes. But if I want to spend time with someone and see if there’s something there, I’m comfortable initiating a first date – or a non-date date, depending on how bold I’m feeling.
He’s not the only one who should be strong and sensitive
Sometimes expressing feelings doesn’t feel “brave” or “bold”, but stereotypically girly.
When Annie Werner tells me about her break-up – “I was dumped because my self-assuredness was unrelatable” – her indignation is extremely relatable.
“It just never seems like you are open to self-doubt,” Werner says her ex told her, a critique that she says came out of nowhere. “There were never moments of vulnerability, which are often moments that lead to real intimacy.”
At first she thought this break-up rationale was ridiculous. But once she thought about how she has built herself up “as this feminist, this self-assured woman, this strong person”, she realised that “it becomes harder to access the more feminine parts of yourself that could be more positive”.
“There’s this persona we create for ourselves that doesn’t compute with vulnerability,” she added.
But the opposite – showing little emotion in budding relationships – could be the “cool girl” trap. Mukhopadhyay talks about the subtle sexism she sees in the way women avoid talking about their feelings in relationships, so as not to be cast as a stereotypical woman who gets too emotional.
If the feminist man is all about blending strength and sensitivity, balancing traditionally masculine with traditionally feminine traits, it’s a balance women are also trying to navigate. And that’s a concept that doesn’t fit on a T-shirt.
The Washington Post