Washington - Recently, Vanity Fair introduced Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as Bruce, to the world with its July cover.
By generating a million followers in only a few hours, her Twitter feed was said to have “broken” the Internet, which is to say lots of questions poured in about her name, pronouns, how to refer to her in past references and so on.
Here are a few highlights from my recent online chat, which are edited and condensed for clarity.
Pronouns: Then vs. now
Question: Should we all start using “Caitlyn” and female pronouns now? But shouldn't we all say “Bruce” and “he” when referring to moments in the past? It seems to me as if he was a “he” then and is a “she” now.
Answer: In the new Vanity Fair cover story, Caitlyn Jenner tells us that's her new name, which means we should now use it and these pronouns: she, her and hers. This is very much about respect. As for how to refer to her previously, it's okay to say something such as “Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as Bruce Jenner,” especially because she's so much in the public eye. Over time, as the name “Caitlyn” becomes more widely known, there will be little need to refer to “Bruce.” In her case, this window may be especially short after she garnered more than 1 million Twitter followers in hours.
Also, I agree with GLAAD's advice when it comes to pronouns referring to events in the past. A tip sheet published this week notes, “Do avoid male pronouns and Caitlyn's prior name, even when referring to events in her past.”
Here's a helpful analogy: We've all had friends who marry and change their names. It's a sign of respect to call them by their new married name. Continued stumbling - or a refusal to adopt someone's new name - is rightfully seen as a rejection of that person.
Stepmom or stepdad?
Q: I'm curious about Caitlyn's relationship with the Kardashians. Is he still their “stepfather” or is he now their “stepmother?” And what about her relationship to her mother. Is he still her “son” or now her “daughter”?
A: Good question. First off, the best and the easiest answer is to use the non-gendered title “stepparent.” That's a simple way to avoid “stepmother” vs. “stepfather.” Within a family, such as the Kardashians, this is likely to be a discussion because one answer doesn't fit all. In the hit Amazon show “Transparent,” for instance, the adult kids use “Moppa,” a portmanteau of Mama and Papa.
Caitlyn may want to continue to be thought of as the Kardashians' father or stepfather, and the family members may prefer that, too. Fine. Most importantly, it's up to the person who has transitioned to be clear about preferred references.
Ditto for Caitlyn's relationship with her mother. In fact, Esther Jenner told “Access Hollywood” Monday: “I still have to call him Bruce. His father and I named him that. ... It's going to be a struggle for me to get used to the change, but happily so ... I'm very happy for him - or her!” Based on that, I'd imagine that Mrs Jenner will refer to Caitlyn as her “son” for a while, though I'd expect her to refer to her as “her daughter” soon enough.
Asking about surgery
Q:I heard on the news that Caitlyn Jenner recently had some surgeries, including “facial feminisation” surgery. Does that mean it's okay to ask a trans person about surgery if they talk about it first?
A: Nope. But this is just about the most common of what I'd call the “inappropriate” questions. As one transgender writer blogged: “What's important here is that not all trans people seek the same forms of treatment and that what treatment they do seek is deeply private information that should be left between them and their medical team and perhaps their closest family and friends.”
Now, if someone has specifically discussed his or her sexual-reassignment surgery previously, then, as with any other procedure, it's fine to wish that person well or ask how that person is feeling, recovering, etc. But stay mindful of boundaries. Just because you may be curious is not license to step over them.
Washington Post
* Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners.
* Civilities is a column in The Washington Post covering LGBT and straight etiquette.