Drug responsibly
If you’re pumping your world famous pop star patient with drugs, you probably shouldn’t leave him unattended. Especially if he lives in a place called Neverland and refers to sedatives as his “milk”. Our problem with Conrad Murray wasn’t that he was getting MJ high (everyone in the pop world is high on something after all), the problem was he ought to have known Michael Jackson was a child and children should never be left alone, especially if you’re essentially a $150 000 a month nanny.
You get what you pay for
Hypothetically, if you’re to get married and then soon afterwards plan to have your wife killed in Gugulethu, try not to hire the cheapest rank amateur hitman you can find. Budget hitmen always get caught and sing like canaries when they do. Why have the hassle of a loose end running around telling on you? As thrifty as you may try to be during this recession, hiring a murderer is not the same as hiring a plumber.
Some things you should just not skimp on.
Immaculate Plot holes
If you’re going to claim you’re the third son of God, at least have a back story as to how this came to be. Matthew Naidoo, aka God’s son, was the real drawcard of the Lotter trial saga. The most astonishing revelation was his deed diary in which he apparently wrote to God, aka dad, about his plans to do the unthinkable.
Read the fine print
We are all guilty of it, throwing out manuals, instruction booklets and ignoring the fine print on most things we sign. Nine times out of 10 we come out. But for Bafana coach Pitso Mosimane, a technically gifted yet seemingly illiterate man, forgetting to read the CAF competition rule book was a costly and embarrassing mistake. It wasn’t some Thursday night pool competition at the local tavern we’re talking about. It was the Africa Cup of Nations, the one tournament we expect Bafana to qualify for without being hosts.
Play Sick
If there’s one thing we’ve learnt in 2011, it’s that dodging prison is as easy as dodging PE at school – all you need is a sick note. The justice system has incredible sympathy for people who are well enough to commit the most heinous of crimes but then suddenly feel a little under the weather when it comes back to bite them in the ass. Let’s face it – hospital is far better than prison, so it’s worthwhile to have a dodgy doctor write you a note when you’re in a spot.
There are basically two popular methods of playing sick to avoid prison. The first one involves you “appearing” to be suffering from stress and anxiety, which these days is enough reason not to be sent to prison, which is weird because from my understanding it’s pretty normal to be stressed when being sentenced to prison. For goodness sake, it’s prison, it’s meant to be stressful.
The second method is to get a medical certificate saying that you’re about to die. Of course you’ll have to bribe a whole bunch of medical experts to get this right, but hey, it’s worth it. And the beauty of being granted medical parole is that a couple of months down the line, you can come out of hiding and announce you’ve been miraculously cured, hallelujah!
It’s not as if Correctional Services can force you to die.
Pass the Blame
In SA you don’t have to be held accountable for anything you do – it’s always someone else’s fault, as long as you can make up an excuse referring to this.
For instance, if a reporter is harassing you on the golf course and you snap and klap her, you’re not guilty of assault as long you are willing to testify that she ran into your fist repeatedly and therefore assaulted herself.
If you happen to be the coach of a national rugby team that has performed badly at a World Cup tournament, that’s not your fault either. Blame the politicians, the rugby administrators, apartheid and most of all the referee, because, as you know, it is up to referees to win games for you.
Lastly, if you’re ever caught for corruption, murder or whatever, always, always, blame the devil. Hansie did, why not you?
Shoulder the burden
Among the things that Juju has taught us this year is the important lesson that sometimes a few must experience the unbearable burden of living in mansions, being chauffeured around in luxury German sedans and feeling the weight of Breitlings on their wrists so the rest of us don’t have to. According to Juju, a great revolutionary leader like himself must experience the trappings of the evil capitalism system in order to know how to defeat it and to warn the peasant masses about the dangers of being wealthy.
We all kind of knew commies were full of s*** but we must respect Juju for being unapologetically so. - Sunday Tribune